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Anti-Social and Academically-Challenged Freshman Came to Penn to 'Work Hard, Play Hard'


Photo by DieselDemon / CC BY 2.0

“Yeah, I mean given who I am as a person, Penn was just the right choice for me,” chronic procrastinator and recluse James Rojas (C ’22) shared with his friends, a group of Philadelphia high-school seniors visiting for a lacrosse game.

Rojas, who spent the last three weekends binge-watching The Office and other highly-rated sitcoms instead of completing his seven overdue assignments, told the doting high-school seniors “look, its all about balance and finding your place. I came to Penn to work hard and play hard — it couldn’t have been a more perfect fit, honestly.” 

“So, dude,” his old lacrosse teammate Sammy Childs chimed in, “are the parties as lit as I hear they are?” Before Rojas could answer, his phone notification buzzer went off several times. “Oh, probably someone texting you about some rager tonight,” Sammy remarked while his friends chuckled along in agreement. 

“Haha, I bet,” Rojas responded, as he swiftly swiped away his phone’s Canvas notifications, reminding him of the three 2,000-word essays due that night. 

“But basically, I'm, like, the epitome of a Penn student. I feel like everything is perfectly in place.”