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BREAKING: Stolen Bookcase From Gregory House Depreciates Worth Of Dorm By 97%


Photo by Eric Zeng / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Gregory House suffered an excruciating cut to its net worth this past Friday as a bookcase — the dorm’s most monetarily significant asset — was (impressively) snatched from its first floor “library.” 

While an act of this nature is usually cause for disciplinary retaliation, Gregory House administrative staff is more worried about whether or not they’ll be able to stay afloat without ownership of the Ikea product. 

Gregory House Dean shared with UTB: “The 97% drop in our worth has already caused the need to cut heating for both houses until about March. Why do you guys think there’s no air-conditioning? We’ve been waiting seven years for that stolen flower pot to be returned. Seriously, you guys, what the hell?” 

While the Office of Residential Housing is simply overwhelmed by the deficit, most Gregorians have expressed “gleeful amusement” and “genuine pride” that, “something of public interest has finally occurred within these walls.”