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A Rap: Everyone Go Back to Your Rooms, I Hate Seeing You Outside

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Photo by Brian Y.W. Shin / CC BY-SA 3.0

I knew Penn was a “big school,” about 10,000 kids at this college. 

And, yes, I decided to come here even with that daunting knowledge. 

I enjoy how batshit scared all of you are of the cold—

Of a crispy, red leaf gently falling onto your Barbour coat. 


But that’s all gone, now. And it’s left me feeling kinda funky. 

Why are you outside? Get to your rooms, learn to make some money.

I thought this school was hard! Stress filled our cups at Commons.

But now it’s warm outside. ”Work hard, play hard" has been forgotten. 


I want empty dining halls, an empty Locust, empty streets, 

Stop flexing your hammock game, chilling in between trees. 

I want my campus infected by human absence like a disease.

I can check an app — you don’t need to prove to me it’s over fifty degrees. 


And to the Penn kids who still don’t go outside —

I thank you for your service to my tired, heavy eyes. 

Your presence might not be seen, but, boy, does it calm my nerves. 

While these imbeciles play frisbee, you’ll mess up the physics curve. 


And now I've resorted to the basement of Gregory.

Honestly, you think this is where I want to be?

I would go to VP, Fisher Fine, maybe Williams,

But I'm g for now — prolly wait for the cold to come.

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