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Student Takes Multiple Showers to Avoid Family


Photo by Meresa García / The Daily Pennsylvanian

No doubt, it was a devastating day when Penn announced it would not be re-opening for fall semester. Freshmen mourned the loss of their precious NSO and the weekend warriors sobbed at their inability to haz— … uh, welcome said first years.  

No one, however, took it harder than College sophomore Marina Gibson. Weeping, she reminisced about the religious fanatics calling her a whore and the mysterious shit stench on Locust. But the bulk of her tears stemmed from the fact that she would have to stay home. With her goddamn family. With her goddamn mother. For the rest of the goddamn year. 

"It's horrible, absolutely horrible," Marina cried, "I can't escape them! They're like everywhere. Wanting to eat dinner with me and asking me how I am. Like, Mom, why the fuck would I want to talk to you?" 

On the brink of her second quarter life crisis, Marina searched for some way to avoid any and all future family interactions. Her solution: taking hourly showers every day. 

"I kinda felt bad about it at first because I am an Environmental Studies Major. And I feel like I'm killing the dolphins. But you know what? Fuck the dolphins. They can swim away from their family and I can't!" 

It was a steep learning curve. Marina had to grow to love her pruney fingers, her newly developed eczema, and the brittleness of her hair. But if it means avoiding her mother's shrill voice, then it is well worth it. 

"Yeah, our water bill is through the roof!" the Penn student commented, "but luckily Amy G. reduced our tuition by 3.9%, so we use that extra money. And it's the least my parents can do. Making me hang out with them and all."