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Your Guide to the 2020 Erection: Vote Bigger and Better


Photo (with edits) by Meresa García / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

Guess what time of year it is? That's right: it's voting season! And as you may have noticed, there are some huge contenders out there. So, it's normal if you're a little lost wondering who to vote for and all. Thankfully, I have so graciously come up with this nifty (bipartisan, obviously!) guide to help you decide. 

Let's meet our first candidate: Sir Lord Joestick.  Now, this fella' is a bit on the slower side. So, don't worry if you have to wait a few minutes to an hour for full stiffness. Also, don't be alarmed by his abnormal kink and surrounding tufts of white hair. You might say old age, but he says silver fox. Be patient with this one, he gets a little confused when it comes to finishing. But if you're lucky, he'll let out a few droplets here and there. 

Moving on, we've got The Dicktator. Quite objectively, he is a bit on the … smaller side. He's got a sickly tinge of orange, but, if you've got the lights off, then it won't be too terrible. Doing it in the dark, however, won't prevent his yellow merkin from pricking you as he attempts (and fails) a full insert. I suggest faking it, as no sign of pleasure will make him shrivel up even further. 

You might be thinking, none of these peckers sound that great. And you're right. But how I see it, you've got three options: old dick, microscopic (is it even there?) dick, or no dick. So just keep that in mind when casting your ballot. 

I'm banking on the fact that Sir Lord Joestick's erections are numbered and that maybe, in the near future, we can all swim in honeypot for a change. But till then, I'll just have to go with the prick that will at least give me a chance at finishing.