Russian COVID Vaccine Turns Out to Be 195 Proof Vodka

In light of the recent failures of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine trial, the U.S. has decided to turn to the Russian vaccine that was introduced in late August. Russia, the undisputed, reputable biotechnology capital of the world, was reportedly more than happy to oblige and has sent millions of suspiciously stockpiled doses to the States over the past few days.

Unfortunately, the hopes of those Americans who still believe in science have just been dashed by this unprecedented discovery: the shot is simply filled with 195 proof vodka, making it the equivalent of injecting two and a half shots of Strawberry Lemonade Svedka directly into your bloodstream.

This fact was discovered after Sara Tention, a self-proclaimed lightweight, attempted to french kiss a nurse and then blacked out following her inoculation yesterday as part of the vaccine’s clinical trial at HUP. “I was straight-up zooted, man,” claimed Sara during the interview that she requested to schedule with UTB. “That whole experience was like, whoa, I bypassed tipsy and went straight to sloshed haha… I know I don’t look like it, but I’m a lightweight, you know?”

Other Americans were not as amused. After being confronted with these findings later in the evening, Russian President Vladimir Putin issued the following official statement: “What did you expect? We are simply tapping into our country’s national resources.”

Unsurprisingly, President Trump has continued to accept this vaccine as a godsend. His armada of white, scary male doctors claims that the shot will still be just as effective as a real thing. “It works by attacking every single cell in your body—no more cells, no more virus,” the doctors announced in unison. “And we don’t believe in all that ‘vaccination’ mumbo jumbo anyways.”

The vaccine will continue to be rolled out in the U.S. despite the fact that that’s totally fucking insane. Only adults over the age of 21 will be allowed to get the shot, which is fine because herd immunity or whatever it is that my uncle keeps commenting on the CDC’s Facebook. Uninsured, the vaccine will cost you a mere $5,000 out of pocket.