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Op-Ed: I Got the Best Sleep of My Life in the Pile of Mulch I Booked at Four Seasons Total Landscaping


 Photo by Jon Holland with edits by Sonia Feil / CC-BY-SA 2.0 and screenshot from Google Maps 

When my boyfriend asked me to book our stay at the Four Seasons in Philadelphia, I was ecstatic. I had always heard tales of the glam and grandeur of the Four Seasons, but nothing could have prepared me for the absolute dream-come-true that awaited me that night.

My boyfriend was understandably shocked when we pulled into the Four Seasons’ parking lot—I too was stunned by the natural beauty laid out before my eyes. As I led him over to the king-sized pile of mulch in the corner, I knew that our night was going to be magical.

The room service was excellent. We were waited on by the owners themselves, as if we were their only guests! They even acted surprised and flattered when I made the reservation, as if they were humbled to have us stay at their prestigious establishment. In an above and beyond effort to make us feel at home, they served us their kitchen’s rendition of Wawa hoagies—complete with a replicate wrapper and plastic bag! Wow!

At the end of the night, I laid my head down to rest in the soft mulch and stared up at the stars. I could tell that my boyfriend was just as enamored as I was by the way he kept staring at me and saying, “You can’t be serious.” He was totally starstruck by the experience, and I had to keep reassuring him that it was really happening and that I did intentionally make this booking for the two of us.

When I woke up, not only had I become used to the smell of the mulch, but I found that my sore back was fixed, I felt ten years younger, and I had been cured of both my coronavirus and tuberculosis. I cannot recommend the Four Seasons enough! My only complaint is that there was heavy traffic during our checkout time due to some sort of cult propaganda shoot or something.