Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Grandma Uses COVID to Avoid Thanksgiving With Shitty Grandkids


Photo (with edits by Meresa García) by Frank Thompson Photos via Flickr // CC 2.0 

Monroe Bennett hates Thanksgiving with an absolute passion. 52 years ago, she made the regretful decision of starting a family. Now, for the last 30 years, she has had the responsibility of hosting (and cooking) dinner for fifteen. Until now. While COVID is no joking matter, Monroe has found one use for the dangerous virus. When her pathetic firstborn called to confirm the usual gathering, the grandmother of nine kindly replied with: "Fuck no. I'm not getting sick because your kids don't know basic hygiene. "

For the first time in a long time, she doesn't have to compare the ugly crayon lines of a five-year-old to Picasso. "If I wanted glitter on construction paper," she commented, "I'd do it myself and so much better." 

She doesn't have to buy a gift for the recent nitwit fifth-grade graduate. "Whoop dee fucking do! She went from fifth to sixth, what an accomplishment. Now, if she makes it to high school – which she probably won't, she stupider than a fucking mule – then maybe I'll get her something."

They never say thank you ("ungrateful fucks, I'm the reason why you're here") and they always ask for seconds ("entitled little pigs, just like your greedy parents"). This Thanksgiving, the 82-year-old grandmother is free of the running, screaming, and laughter of her shitty grandchildren. She doesn't have to cater to the vegetarian teenager, whose constant discussion of animal rights makes Monroe want to slaughter turkey after turkey, just out of spite. 

Monroe Bennett is grateful that this year, she won't have to endure a six-hour Thanksgiving dinner where she has to resist the urge to gouge out her eyeballs every time one of her grandkids calls her gammy. 

"You're sixteen, fuck, you don't know how to pronounce r?"