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Breaking: University to Begin Offering B.A. in Astrology


This week, President Amy Gutmann made an important announcement to the University community. She described the addition of a new option for B.A. candidates: Astrology. This announcement comes on the heels of the entire world’s impending spiritual transformation under a global pandemic, where, forced to spend time alone with themselves, people everywhere have looked to previously underappreciated forms of spiritual explanation to understand themselves better. 

Astrology has entered a new phase of popularity in recent years with the coincidence of social media. Instagram has become a mecca for amateur astrologists, who use their understanding of the cosmos to make inferences about their own emotional, professional, social, and romantic lives. In my own experience, a lot of these posts reduce the twelve signs to inflexible and unforgiving archetypes rather than encouraging individuals to explore the ways their sign may manifest in different ways throughout the course of their lives. The reductive inflexibility of Instagram astrology has become of particular interest to University president Amy Gutmann, who is experiencing her own spiritual transition during her time in quarantine. 

Gutmann (a Scorpio herself) expressed dissatisfaction with the Instagram characterization of Scorpios as secretive, manipulative, and demanding. “If anyone saw one of those little posts they would think I’m some huge bitch,” Gutmann explained. “If you really wanna understand Amy Gutmann, or anyone, for that matter, you’ll need a full read on their chart. My full chart tells me way more about myself than some random Instagram post could.” Gutmann’s Moon and Mercury signs are also in Scorpio, but she says that the explanation on the free natal chart report websites are still not specific enough. The University does recognize that information generated for free or low costs is innately inferior, so Gutmann has decided to begin offering B.A.s in Astrology in order to further refine these fields of study and strain out “undesirables,” such as those who received their knowledge of astrology from the internet or other “cheap, low-brow” sources. In Gutmann’s imagined utopia, the world’s astrologers will all carry Ivy League degrees

In true Scorpio form, Gutmann has declined to comment on the complete and utter controversy behind her rationale in making this decision.