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Penn’s New Program Will Pay for You and One Professor to Do Ecstasy Together...and I’m on It Right Now.


10:43 AM: It’s that time. Me, my Catholic Studies Professor, Sister Catherine, and Paul. Why did I choose Sister Catherine? Why the fuck wouldn’t I lol. Who’s Paul? Paul is a furloughed Mclelland chef who Penn reassigned to be our trip sitter (he made us eggs). Paul’s walking us into the room we’re supposed to stay in all day. 

11:24: just popped it

11:48: Shiiiiiitttt

11:57: Paul just told us about this species of dinosaur that’s still alive in the Congo Jungle. Sister Catherine and I are losing it. 

12:05: Sister Catherine twerking on Paul rn. Ayy Get it Sister! 

12:07: low key Catherine’s got a fatty. On God.

12:08: I came clean to Sister Catherine about her fatty and now she won’t stop saying “On God”.

12:44: we said Fuck it and booked 3 flights to Congo to find the Dinosaur. One way. Running back to Paul’s crib right now to snag his banjo.

1:78: OG flight got cancelled so we’re on the tarmac offering pilots the rest of our extacy to fly us to Congo. 

4:31: Well, we’re in a jungle. Don’t think it’s Congo but only one way to find out - gotta find that dinosaur. 

7:21: still no dinosaur, but we did find a tribe of hunter gatherers. Cathy on some missionary shit right now, I’m gonna help her convert the nomads. I’m Jewish but fuck it.


7:47: I’m in a bush right now. After they boinked Cathy, Paul whipped out his banjo and started plucking that motherfucker like we were back in the Mclelland Lounge. The only reason I’m still alive right now and Sister Catherine isn’t is because I can Cotton Eye Joe like I wrote that shit. Cotton Eyed myself the fuck out of there. 

8:51: It’s starting to wear off. No Dinosaur. No Sister Katherine. Paul is staying with the tribe. I’m happy for him tbh, I think he finally really found his people. 

10:30: Whelp, I’m home now. Turns out we were in the Poconos not Congo. It made my trip home much easier, but I am a bit worried about Paul’s new friends. Overall I give the new program a 3 out of 5 stars. Would’ve been 4 stars but Sister Catherine couldn't hang.