Frats Compete With Testing Sites for Larger Turnout

Jared felt a strange sense of admiration mixed with a sharp pang of jealousy towards the Du Bois COVID-19 testing center. He was confused by how this white tent could attract nearly the same amount of students as the ragers thrown by him and his brothers. "What do they have that we don’t?" wondered the Wharton junior as he scootered past the line of people. 

Fraternities watched in worry as COVID-19 testing sites began to appear on Penn’s campus, fearing this could mean the end of their reign. While frats may have once competed with one another for the largest turnout during pre-pandemic times, they have now all joined forces to ensure that they will not be displaced by these new unwanted incomers. 

“I just don’t get it,” said Jared as he handed out flyers on Locust Walk promoting his frat’s next rager, “We’ve got booze, sticky floors, and a way better Spotify playlist than them! What makes these white tents think that they can just poach our partiers?”

Although there has only been a minimal decrease in the number of attendees, fraternities hope their new promotional strategies will bring more students to their parties while decreasing the number of those going to the testing sites. Of course, the end goal of this campaign is to eventually steal all white-tent goers completely, hopefully eliminating the competition all together. 

“Look, we mean no disrespect,” claimed Jared as he redirected students from the testing center to his house. “But we are the weekend warriors, and we’re not just going to let some white tents outrank us. So you better watch out testing centers, because this means war.”