Penn Party Denier Just Has Really Strong Cold

Throughout our interview, Emma Rose Lipman only had a total of three vomiting episodes dispersed among a series of coughing attacks. She would go from wrapping herself with yet another blanket to taking of her three hoodies and fuzzy pink socks. 

“Don’t worry,” she wheezed, “It’s just a cold. Or the flu maybe. Nothing a little Emergen-C won’t fix!” 

Over the last couple of weeks, the College Junior has worked effortlessly to dismantle the rumors that parties have been taking place on Penn’s campus. 

“Greeks are all respectable students of this institution,” Lipman croaked, “They would never do anything to intentionally harm their peers. I mean if they hated us, then they wouldn't be holding these inclusivity events for everyone to attend.” 

Lipman described these very intimate gatherings as safe spaces where students can freely express themselves in front of large numbers of their peers. Unfortunately, Lipman had to stop attending these diversity events because she could no longer taste any of the drinks being passed around nor smell her friends’ B.O. as they danced their stress away. 

Through her gasps for air, Emma Rose Lipman adamantly declared, “It’s all just one big hoax, this partying business. Literally, like literally, no parties have been going on whatsoever. Really, it’s all just anti-greek hate propagated by a bunch of broke losers who were too weak to make it through rush. But good thing Amy is in full support of Greeks. She's a real one!”