Amy Gutmann Wins Every Single Event in The Penn Relays For Second Year In Row

Amy Gutmann has done it once again. For the second year in a row, she has swept every single heat and event of the Penn Relays. There were no fans, announcers, officials, or press allowed—only President Gutmann’s assistant (the one who trails her around campus with a camera) was in attendance. However, the students peering through the gate onto Franklin Field bore witness to what some describe as a miracle.

“I was walking to the train, when all of a sudden I saw a blur of red, blue, and blond streak by on the track,” says Gordon Zola (W ‘23). “Of course I had to investigate, so I walked up and watched. It was amazing! President Gutmann was in the middle of the first heat of the mile, and I ended up watching her run all 5 of the next heats, straight into the semifinals. I missed my train, but seeing Gutmann win the men’s 1600m final sure put a smile on my face.”

President Gutmann carried on through all of the Penn Relays events, eventually winning them all over the span of two days as opposed to the usual five. Gutmann’s peak physical condition is apparently the result of the intense training schedule she adopted at the onset of the pandemic as a “hobby.”

“When we had to cancel these historic relays last year, I thought we should try to do something special and uplifting for the kids,” said Gutmann. “What could be more inspiring than taking advantage of this moment and racing to my own D1 track and field glory? Oh also we had already budgeted 2 million dollars for the relays and didn’t want it to go to waste.”

When asked about her two-year legacy directly, Gutmann was bashful. “Oh it’s only two consecutive years,” she blushed. “In order to feel truly satisfied I’ll have to go for the threepeat.”

Through urine testing and vehement denial, Gutmann seems to have successfully distanced herself from the allegations of doping that were raised last year. This is key for Gutmann’s school records to remain standing—she now holds the track record in 297 of the 300 events she raced this week.

When questioned about the only three events she did not achieve the school record in—the 5k racewalk, 4x1500m men’s relay, and the discus throw—Gutmann muttered “no comment” and began twitching and convulsing on the ground.