Leaked! UTB Rejection Letter
Photo by Johnny Magnusson / CC0
September 17, 2021 at 3:13 pm
We are writing to you today to notify you that we unfortunately cannot offer you a spot on Under The Button this fall. While I am technically required to encourage you to apply again in the Spring, please don’t. Just, please don’t.
All things considered, your written application wasn’t half bad. While I think it could have done without the dedication page to your grandma Gertrude, it sounds like she was a very nice woman, and I’m sure she loved you very much. Also, I think you may have misread the application. We asked you to submit two satire articles, not fourteen acrostic poems about how much you love your mom. Despite comparing yourself to Oedipus numerous times, the poems were actually really sweet so we gave you a shot in the interviews.
The interviews are where things really started to go down hill. While we appreciate you taking the process seriously, you really didn’t need to wear a three piece suit and a beret for the first round of interviews - they were over the phone after all. We also could tell your French accent was fake immediately, and you saying “croissant” three times every sentence didn’t have the effect that I believe you intended. We also didn’t love how you asked for a list of everybody in the club’s weights and religious affiliation, and have a restraining order pending.
Nonetheless, we invited you to the second round of interviews...this time, only to make fun of you. I suppose we didn’t specify this explicitly on the application, but only you were supposed to come to the in person interview - not you and all six of your siblings. But with that being said, your younger brother Paul is a riot and we would like to invite him into interview himself. We also were a little thrown off by you asking if you could give us all a “goodbye hickey” after the interview, and even more thrown off when we allowed you to and it became obvious that you don’t know what a hickey is at all.
Anyway, we wish you luck in any future endeavors and we look forward to seeing you at Paul’s interview.