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Oh No, Our Pledges Just Unionized


The pledge suffrage movement has officially gone too far. When they all wore dark shirts to our black light mixer as a statement, we let it slide. When they all chose to eat onions in solidarity with Pledge James, who had to eat 43 that night, we even applauded their comradery. But these motherfuckers just officially unionized, and they’re not messing around. 

We managed to steal a copy of their handbook, and the demands they plan on making are objectively absurd. First, they demand to be “treated like humans”. What type of communist bullshit is this? They also demand that we fulfill their venmo requests for orders that they picked up for us. They act like they’re doing us a favor by delivering us our food, when they know damn well they should be appreciative of us for giving them uber eats work experience at no cost.

The most ridiculous thing is that their dues to the union are 3x as much as their dues to the frat! If they just paid that money to us, they wouldn’t have to bargain, we’d gladly start pretending that they’re humans. Their pledge brain has gone too far, though - they can’t think rationally about these things anymore. 

 In response, the brothers have decided to create a union of our own to protect our rights to treat them like scum. What about our liberty! Our welfare! Our uber eats orders! It is time we put this movement to a rest.