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Their presence strikes a fear unlike any other. Their neon shirts repel ne’er-do-wells from miles away. Their 3-gear bikes are rumored to be direct Tour de France hand-me-downs. They are Penn Security. And you don’t want to mess with them.
Dear Friend,
We’ve all been there. You’re talking to the kid whose net worth rivals a member of the Bahraini royal family (in certain cases, they may be a member of said family — we’ll cover that next). Yet you were raised in a poor, scanty 2,500 square foot suburban home in California.
It started with a cough. And then another. That’s when Eric Schmitt (N’24) came up with an idea.
When the Daily Pennsylvanian broke the news, shockwaves were felt across Penn’s progressive community. Activists crawled out of their tents and saw the sunlight. At long last — mission accomplished.
“Let’s grab lunch!” you exclaim to an acquaintance — with mutually understood faux-excitement — as you close out an awful 3 minute slog of “How are your classes?” “Where are you living this year?” and “You were in PennQuest, right?”
The University of Pennsylvania has become the first American university to hire several fighter pilots and launch an Air Force, as newly appointed President Liz Magill attempts to appease activists long demanding that Penn pay PILOTs (Payments in Lieu of Taxes) to the Philadelphia city government.