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When asked for his greatest quality, Matt Oliver (W ‘20) would probably respond with his ability to multitask. While most people have trouble juggling tasks, Oliver thrives in environments where he’s overwhelmed — especially when it comes to the Internet.
Monica Kowalski (C ‘21) is not a pleasant person to share a classroom with. A stuck-up girl who never learned manners, Kowalski dominates almost every recitation she goes to, finding the most inappropriate times to crack wildly inappropriate jokes.
Paul Hardy (C ‘20) came to college seeking an interdisciplinary education, but he was also interested in the economy and wanted to pursue a career in finance. Conflicted between enrolling in a business school or receiving a well-rounded college education, Hardy eventually decided to study economics in the College.
Back in high school, Julia Matthews (W ‘22) knew she was always slightly outperforming her peers. She could understand math problems faster than most people, and she always gave the most insightful comments during classroom discussions. Of course, she was accepted to Penn. She’d read about the game changers, the innovators that graduated from Penn, and she aspired to walk the same path.
Saying that Lisa Simmons (C ‘22) was having a bad week would be an understatement. Her busy schedule has drained her physically and emotionally, and she was beginning to lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. Every problem set, every textbook reading, every essay brought her anguish beyond description. It was slowly becoming too much to handle, and Lisa was losing hope. It didn’t seem like anything was going her way.
For some, networking begins on day one. CEO Jake Howard (E '10) and CFO Adam Kaminsky (W '10) of CryptoCrack, a revolutionary fintech company that describes itself as the “Venmo, Square, and Robinhood of Crypto,” reveal the story of how they met—during New Student Orientation of their freshman year.
Junior Ben Collins (C ‘19) has two notable qualities: he’s an optimist, and he’s a procrastinator. Whenever schoolwork gets tough, he keeps his head up. “You’ve gotta have some dark times to appreciate the good ones,” he always thinks to himself. During every difficult, stressful week he has, Collins thinks of the bright future ahead.
My roommate and I get along well, I think, but sometimes I get a little annoyed at how he acts. I don’t know if I’m a bad roommate for thinking this, but hear me out.
Junior Paul Maloney (C ‘19) did whatever he could to get into the Ivy League. He knew admissions were competitive, and simply having good grades and a high SAT score wouldn’t automatically grant him admission. While browsing through PrepScholar, he read a guide that claimed it would guarantee admission into some of the top schools in the US. Intrigued, Maloney read it and followed every step.
What school am I in? Oh, it’s complicated right now. I’m technically in the College, but I’m transferring to Wharton after this semester. I just think it’s a better fit for me. No, I’m not in it for the prestige, why would you even ask that? I really think having a business degree will allow me to create some positive social change.
High schooler Kyle Williams (C ‘22) grew up in a white, upper middle class, Christian household. He was the type of guy you’d want your daughter to date—well groomed, academically focused, and a true gentleman with no impure thoughts. After leading his high school debate team to state championships, starting a nonprofit that delivered food to homeless shelters, and maintaining a 4.6 GPA, Williams was admitted to Penn’s Class of 2022.
Malcolm Jacobs (C ‘21) had a rough night. After taking one too many shots of Burnett’s, Jacobs woke up with a bucket of vomit by his bed and a load of regrets in his head. There was no way he was going to be able to attend his 9 a.m. Physics lecture.
Paul Wegman (C '20) could be considered a teacher’s pet if he were in third grade. The star student is at the top of his class, consistently reaching the highest grades on every assignment and exam. He loves raising his hand, and never hesitates to correct any speaker. Wegman also hangs around office hours, pestering his professors with difficult, irrelevant questions. But college classes have a rather different environment; rapid-fire question mode isn’t conducive to lecturers finishing their presentations in a timely manner or providing one-on-one advice.
College campuses are often bastions of progressive thinking and social liberalism. Sophomore Jupiter Mountain (C '20) is at the forefront of enlightenment, constantly trying to reinvent the wheel of freedom.
With its students paying tuition upwards of $55,000 for the 2018-2019 school year, Penn's administration seems to be rather quiet about how its money is used. Over the course of the past seven weeks, our team of investigators uncovered the truth about where your tuition money really goes.
Fine, I’ll date you. I mean, you don’t have the dreamiest eyes, or the broadest shoulders, or the most defined cheekbones. You probably haven’t hit the gym in the past few weeks (or years), and you smell like cheesesteaks and clam chowder. I don’t particularly like your beat-up running shoes, or your rimless glasses, or that stupid porkpie hat you wear all the time. Your music taste sucks, you pronounce jalapeño with a hard "J," and your sense of humor is absolutely horrid.
The clock reads 10:33 a.m. My linear algebra professor stumbles in, wearing an oversized sweater and holding a Trader Joe’s tote bag full of decaying books. He glances at the clock, mumbles something incomprehensible, and shuffles to the podium.
Come on. Are you serious? We two months into 2018, and you still can’t write the correct year? There’s no other way to describe how I feel other than disappointed.
Victoria Jacobs (C ‘21) considered herself a star participator. In high school, she was well-loved by her teachers and coaches for always having the courage to speak, even (and especially) when no one asked. It was rare to walk into a classroom without Jacobs’ hands reaching for the ceiling, waiting to be called on so she could spurt out the solution to a calculus problem or name that famous Civil War general.
Everyone has their quirks, and Donnie Kasey (C ‘21) is no different. These are things that Donnie values in life: photoshopping pictures of his professors on the bodies of models, putting ketchup in his morning coffee, and taking long, relaxing shits on the toilet. Every time Donnie sits down on the toilet in his Quad dorm room, he takes off his socks, grabs a nice book and some snacks, and winds down in relaxing bliss. His daily toilet time is the only thing keeping him sane, and Donnie would do anything to make sure his little adventures are undisturbed.