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If you thought you were either cool or talented, just wait until you meet Stacy Wilmberg (C ‘18). You can find her at all of Penn’s most exclusive parties with her group of girl friends, screaming every time “Gold Digger” by Kanye West or “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers come on.
To “resolve one of science’s most pressing and unprovable theories,” College sophomore Alyson Scott decided to bulk order contaminated lettuce on the black market “just to see what happens when I [Scott] eat it.” She wanted to “put natural selection to the test” in a controlled experiment, as the “body of evidence supporting the theory is painfully underwhelming.”
Almost completed with her first semester at Penn, Engineering freshman Sheryl Williams (and former high school NHS president, as she likes to tell people) was shocked to learn that people care about things other than the fact that she got a 33 on her ACT.
Why do I think Penn is the right school for me? Three words: Big Booty Bitches.
Wow! So your roommate who meticulously color-codes her planner, notes, and romantic letters to her mysterious lover isn’t the only one who displays psychopathic tendencies!
On Thursday, Penn students staff, and faculty received text notifications regarding an “adorable dog, possibly wearing a sweater and shoes at 3600 Locust Walk.”
As cuffing season approaches, more and more desperate Penn students find themselves settling for relationships with mediocre hookups. Wilcaf employees, however, appear to have a different interpretation of cuffing season, choosing instead to roll up their jeans and already cropped pants to outrageous levels.
As part of the ongoing trend of quantifying every aspect of the human experience, Penn's Office of Student Life released a 5,000-question survey for members of the undergraduate community. The questionnaire contained a wide variety of questions, ranging from "What did you eat last night for dinner?" to "What part of this godless, terribly cruel world fills you with the most existential dread?"
After last semester's failed attempt to turn the David Rittenhouse Laboratory into a romantic Valentine's Day date spot, the Penn administration has decided to repurpose the home of the Math, Physics, and Virginity departments for the Halloween season.
Heterosexual males rejoice! This past Friday, the Pottruck Health and Fitness Center opened an entire new floor dedicated to allowing straight men to check themselves–and each other–out. The facilities feature walls covered in mirrors, free baby oil lubricant, and loud speakers that blast exclusively Eminem.
In a move that surprised literally no one, yet another boy has caught feelings for every member of Bloomers. Alex Huang (C ‘20) is one of many “Bloomers Bros,” the fan club of boys who would do anything it takes to win a date with a member of the all-female sketch comedy group. Past Bloomers Bros members have included award-winning singer John Legend and even self-proclaimed honorary Bloomers drummer Noam Chomsky.
Anna Jefferson (C ‘18) is a sociology major and a self-proclaimed "leading expert" in the O.J. Simpson case. After spending over 300 hours studying evidence and old files instead of doing homework, she concluded that the killer of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman was not O.J., but, actually Jeb Bush.
Last Monday was a big day for Wharton junior Justin Morowitz, who interviewed for yet another consulting company despite having been rejected from over 60 firms. Morowitz was reportedly “on the brink of screaming” throughout the entire interview but resisted the urge. He cites failure to do so in prior interviews as “just a small reason why I [Morowitz] haven’t been able to get an internship yet.”
Instead of studying like most of her classmates, College sophomore Sophie Truman has stocked up on emergency contraceptives in preparation for her upcoming midterm, which, she calls, is an “impending and unavoidable shitstorm of fuckery.”
As part of its ongoing initiative to claim the title of “most money-hungry Ivy League school,” Penn announced that all sophomores will be required to live in college housing starting next year.
Maria Vasquez, spokesperson for the Van Pelt Office of Student Affairs, recently announced that the study carrels on the third, fourth, and fifth floors would be renamed P.E.N.I.S. cubicles, or “Private Eating and Netflix Instead of Studying” spaces.
After two years of ghosting all of his friends and acquaintances, College junior Sean Barnett has finally attended an event he marked as “maybe” on Facebook.
A spokesperson from the Wawa at 38th and Spruce announced yesterday that “all snacks that can fit in a small tote bag, or maybe a large purse” will be totally free of charge, effective immediately. Bailey Crenshaw, longtime employee and now General Manager of the beloved campus convenience store, made the statement on Wednesday to a crowd of Penn students and members of the press.
Last week, the White House awarded College senior Victor Wu the Medal of Honor for his bravery in very large lecture halls. Even in his 500-person PSYC 001 lecture, Wu keeps his phone ringer on and refuses to silence it, even when someone calls him three times straight.
Over the past few weeks, Josh Adebayo (E ‘22) has been in the spotlight of the Engineering community for his decision to break ranks with the school’s strict culture of dress.