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Although this event of biblical importance happened over two months ago now, its impact on human life will forever and always be marked as a measurement of excellence and achievement. Henceforth, the Gregorian calendar will be changed to reflect such a thing:
Years after the folks over at Pew Research Center undertook their greatest task of the century, the team has released their findings. After nearly two decades of painstaking "vibe assessment," lead researcher Dr. John Crawford has declared Penn "the chillest spot in the naish" ("naish" short for nation, that is). The study cites many factors, focusing primarily on students' "lowkey energy" and the campus's "sneaky sesh spots." Penn students were reportedly elated by the news, but not too excited to the point where it was weird or lame.
What a rollercoaster of a day. What began as elation has ended in true sorrow and despair. Most people woke up today feeling refreshed, the extra hour of sleep leaving a sparkle in their eyes. Birds chirped and sunbeams glistened. Harmony and peace reverberated in the air. All was well.
The freshman experience at Penn is not about the Quad. It's not about homecoming, parties, or even making friends. It’s about watching countless hours of Robert Ghrist explaining Math 104. It’s about that naughty, mischievous smirk he gives when introducing a trick to make a problem easier. It’s about wondering how on Earth the graphics are so good in each video. Where is he getting this funding? Does he make these on iMovie? Is he eligible for an Emmy?
Ah, homecoming. What a time to be alive. The weekend has come and gone, yet the school spirit still buzzes in the air, and the student body continues to shakily recover from Saturday’s debauchery. While most saw the return of hundreds of Penn alumni as a great chance to catch up with old friends or relive the glory days, other, more ambitious, cutthroat students saw it as a golden opportunity to network.
Some are calling it the team of destiny. Others, the finest squad in the nation. It’s not the Georgia Bulldogs, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, or the Clemson Tigers. You must've guessed by now. It’s the University of Pennsylvania Quakers.
It’s been a rocky start to Liz Magill’s presidential reign. The climate protestors are holding their entrenched position on the College Green, UC Townhome protestors interrupted her speech at convocation, and Copa is the only Mexican place left on campus.
School is back in full swing, folks, and the return of fresh-faced students to our distinguished campus means the return of our heroic blackout response team, MERT. These sporty saviors in red have long been a staple at NSO, making themselves known at a variety of locations, such as the Upper Quad Gate, the Lower Quad Gate, and inside the Quad.