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BREAKING: You Are Now Breathing Manually

(10/23/19 9:55pm)

Oh, man. This must really suck. You were just scrolling down your Facebook timeline trying to kill time and now, all of a sudden, you can't stop thinking about your breathing. You are now responsible for this vital and (usually) subconscious process, and you're hating every second of it. It's ok, we've all been there. Of course, it could always be worse. You are now blinking manually, too.

Photo Essay: These Are All the Places on Campus I Would Kiss My Girlfriend If I Had One

(09/20/19 3:14pm)

It's almost October, and you know what that means: it's cuffing season! I don't have a girlfriend (yet), but I've started making plans for when I inevitably get one. I did some scouting and put together this list of six extremely romantic places on campus where I would kiss her. Man, I love her so much already. She's going to be so beautiful and cool and amazing. Definitely at least a 10, maybe an 11. I can't wait. 

OP-ED: I Am Quitting Under the Button Because I Am in Love with My Coworker

(09/19/19 12:52pm)

I'm graduating in May — man, saying that still sounds unreal — and I've been dreading it just as many seniors are. I'm scared of having to be a real adult and live in the real world, especially since I still don't know what I want to do with my life. What's even worse, though, is the thought of having to say goodbye to all the amazing people that I've been lucky enough to meet at Penn.

No Bueno: Beto O’Rourke and Cory Booker Fail Spanish 110

(06/28/19 2:40am)

Presidential candidates Beto O’Rourke, Cory Booker, and 8 other democratic hopefuls took to the stage in Miami last night to convince the American people that they’re the best choice to challenge President Donald Trump. Both O’Rourke and Booker spoke Spanish during the debate, in a move some have derided as pandering.