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The civil rights movement. The women’s suffrage movement. The movement for LGBTQ+ rights. What do these all have in common? They were complete fucking wastes of time.
Okay y’all, this has been fun. I feel good about the way this has been going. We finally stopped overmedicating the population, and look at the results! Everything is going swimmingly. We anti-vaxxers always knew that it would take a pandemic that doesn’t have a vaccine for the world to realize that vaccines are not only unnecessary but are actually a government ploy to control the population.
We all know that the big news on the election front recently was that Bernie Sanders dropped out. But to be honest, I never saw Sanders as the main challenger to Joe Biden. From the start, I was pretty certain that Tulsi Gabbard was gonna be our girl. Now I know that Tulsi dropped out a while back, but I’m pretty sure that whole “dropping out” thing was a fakeout. Let’s look at the math.
Uh-oh… it’s happening again. It started during Hinei Ma Tov when Rachel Weiss snuck into the service just a little bit late and one of her former religious school students rushed over to say hello. It was around that time that old Sam Feinberg noticed his good friend Fred Zuckerberg on the other side of the sanctuary. Sam painstakingly stood up to wave to Fred and whispered hello loud enough to be heard over the cantor’s singing. At that point, Helen Klapper noticed Barbara Hersch’s granddaughter, Sarah, just a few rows in front of him. Helen and Barbara play canasta together so he’s met Sarah a few times and figured he ought to say hi, especially since Sam Feinberg has already been making a ruckus. Helen called out “Sarah,” at which point five different women looked around to see who was calling them. Then Sarah Silverman caught sight of Sarah Rosen and they both got up to greet each other; apparently Hannah Schwarz had invited Lauren Gross to her bat mitzvah but not her twin sister Allison Gross and it’s all anyone’s been talking about. Mrs. Rosen and Mrs. Silverman both got up to scold their daughters for talking during services, but first greeted each other and laughed about their daughters’ constant gossiping. Meanwhile, Toby Eisenberg was calling over several people to say hello to the cantor’s wife, Jessica, who he hadn’t seen since at least two days prior. At that time, Rebecca Selman was just entering the sanctuary with her 3-month-old baby, which caused quite a stir as several people got up to come see little Esther. By the time the Shema started, the room was full of people laughing and greeting one another. Just like last Friday.
It has come to our attention at Under the Button that an article recently posted to our site contained several factual inaccuracies about a member of the Penn faculty. The article claimed that Professor Warren Ewens was hired by Penn’s founder Benjamin Franklin, but we have recently been made aware that this is not true. The article also implied that Professor Ewens is very old. We’d like to clarify that the professor is actually quite young in comparison to some turtles as well as the Earth, among other things.
Faith in humanity restored. You’ve been feeling sort of down on yourself lately and you really needed something to boost your confidence. And wouldn’t you know, this balding 40-something-year-old man was just the guy to make that happen. All it took was him quickly looking you up and down as he got out of the elevator, holding the door open for you to get in, and then simply saying “Hot!” before allowing the elevator to start closing.
Welp, you got yourself in a pickle now, didn’t you, Brandon? Ya done fucked up! Ever since Brandon Harvin (C ‘22) started having trouble sleeping, feeling dizzy, experiencing shortness of breath, and feeling nauseous, he knew something was wrong. After a series of tests, the doctors finally figured out the problem.
It’s that time of year again. You can tell that it’s coming when pink starts to show up in all the stores, giant teddy bears are stacked at the tops of aisles, and chocolate starts being sold in the shape of a heart. Many people look forward to this day for weeks, some even months, as it is a time to celebrate their love for all to see. They flaunt their love on Instagram with puns and cliché captions.
Okay, I don’t know if everyone around here is completely blind or maybe just not paying attention, but I personally have not seen Amy Gutmann around campus very much recently. I mean, to be honest, I can’t remember the last time I saw her on campus. I walk by her house every day going to and from class, and also to and from all the social events I attend (due to how many friends I have). And I have not seen President Gutmann for as long as I can remember. One time I thought I saw her, but it was just a very lifelike looking tree with yellow leaves. And that was in the fall. I haven’t caught a glimpse of her since! Which is why I’ve gotta pretty suspicious about what’s really going on here.
Finally, a step to improve mental health at Penn! The administration just announced a new policy that would require mirrors to be covered or removed in every bathroom of Van Pelt. The reasoning behind this decision was based on a study by Penn psychologists which found that students were more likely to have negative feelings after viewing themselves in the mirror mid-study session.
So close! Senior Amanda Homstaller (E ‘20) was just about ready to roll out her newly designed personality in order to make some new friends when she realized the deadline to add new friends had passed without her realizing.
A dumpster fire broke out in my brain this afternoon and has yet to be extinguished.
Our latest coverage of the Penn community centers around a recent report of an incident that happened at Starbucks. We spoke to several students who witnessed the event.
Hypocritical much? This bitch Jessica refuses to get vaccinated at Dr. Goldberg’s office, but she was perfectly comfortable consecutively downing the shots Brad gave her at the mixer last night. There’s no logical reason for this discrepancy. I mean, she was taking straight shots of cheap vodka — that’s basically as painful as getting a shot at the doctor. And being protected, to any extent at all, from a debilitating and life-threatening illness is, like, even better than being drunk. So like, what gives?
Hey, what’s that? Oh, you want to use one of my outlets? Can you not see that my computer is plugged in there?
Look, there’s no need to lock up the lab’s drugs. Sure, we’re dealing with highly concentrated cocaine that we inject into rats to observe how it impacts their brains, but why would we need to keep that stuff locked up? What’s gonna happen, the coked up rats are gonna break out of their cages, open the cabinet, grab the highly concentrated cocaine, and have a goddamn party? This isn’t Ratatouille people, rats can’t just act in cooperation to run an entire freaking restaurant.
In an announcement that shocked at least two people, Penn Panhellenic revealed the results of an in-depth investigation into Penn’s dining hall food. The investigation, which was conducted over several months and involved multiple undercover projects, found that the dining hall food at Penn has in fact been hazing. Students forced to pay for expensive dining plans with poor food options and remarkably limited hours have been subjected to this hazing for many years without anyone considering the possibility that it’s been a hazing conspiracy this entire time.
Despite the various attempts by the Penn administration to improve the mental health services they provide, many students have found the availability and breadth of resources to be unsatisfactory. Accordingly, a recent Penn survey concluded that drunk girls complimenting you is more effective than Penn’s provided mental health services.
To the dismay of Wharton students, the administration has just added an additional required class for all Wharton undergrads. How to Avoid Conspiring With Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, or BEPP-650, will be taken by all students during their senior year. Professor Andrew Bui will be teaching the first iteration of the course starting next semester.
Oh damn! Congrats to every Penn student who got rejected from Yale and ended up at this trash institution. While Yale may have us beat in some categories, it may be on the verge of losing their title in the most prestigious category of all: having an alumnus impeached while President of the United States.