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Five Guys Replacing Beijing Is Just Modern Day Colonialism

(09/07/21 2:45pm)

After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians. The conquistadores, allegedly called “Five Guys,” just overthrew the Asian establishment in a culinary coup d’état, leaving the cultured folk of University City seeking refuge. 

Penn Students Send Letters of Continued Interest to Move Up in Vaccine Waitlist

(04/17/21 9:15pm)

Following the expansion of vaccine eligibility to greater parts of the public, Under the Button spoke with students regarding their experiences with vaccine distribution. One Penn student, Chadwell Bradwell (W’24), reportedly has been waiting more than two weeks on the COVID-19 vaccine waitlist. In the spirit of Ivy Day, he wrote a letter of continued interest to the Pfizer Office of Admissions and was gracious enough to share it with us:

Joe Biden Changes Instagram Bio Faster Than Sorority Girl On Bid Day

(11/11/20 4:58pm)

“Getting a bid for the presidency was just such a rush,” Joe Biden mused to our UTB reporters upon the news that he had won the election. “I mean, I knew a few of the chapter members, which could have helped me get in, but I was still overwhelmed when my friend Kamala called and said ‘we did it, Joe!’ She sounded kind of drunk, TBH, but I figured that if Kamala was celebrating, then I certainly could too! So I immediately changed my Instagram bio to President-elect.” 

The Best Way to Make a Difference Is to Post a Cute Graphic About Making a Difference

(10/19/20 6:06am)

If there’s one thing I know, but that many of my followers sadly don’t, it’s that posting about activism on social media doesn’t actually make much of a difference. Sure, it’s nice to see you all repost a video of a polar bear standing on melting ice, but did you personally go to the Arctic and sacrifice yourself as a form of sustenance for the bear? That’s what I thought.

OP-ED: I’m a Freshman Who’s Been to Penn Once But You Can Def Trust What I Have to Say

(10/12/20 8:17am)

After publishing my first article about Jeff from Writing Sem, I became the recipient of several silly, suspicious little DMs from upperclassmen: “How do you know so much about this place as a freshman? Like, Penn culture and shit? Where did you, like, hear about all that stuff, since you’ve never technically gone here?” 

Hey, You Pathological Liar: Here Are Three (Fake) Fun Facts to Tell About Yourself During Icebreakers

(10/07/20 5:28pm)

As anyone who isn’t a computer science major knows, socializing is an essential part of Penn culture. And whether or not people will want to socialize with you depends on the first and most formidable test: your fun fact during icebreakers. Of course, you could try being yourself, but you and I both know that plan is destined for failure.