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After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians. The conquistadores, allegedly called “Five Guys,” just overthrew the Asian establishment in a culinary coup d’état, leaving the cultured folk of University City seeking refuge.
Following the expansion of vaccine eligibility to greater parts of the public, Under the Button spoke with students regarding their experiences with vaccine distribution. One Penn student, Chadwell Bradwell (W’24), reportedly has been waiting more than two weeks on the COVID-19 vaccine waitlist. In the spirit of Ivy Day, he wrote a letter of continued interest to the Pfizer Office of Admissions and was gracious enough to share it with us:
After concluding that any substantial chunk of time off might provide too much relief from a pandemic and crippling job market, Penn has announced it will be dividing spring break into 10,080 “engagement minutes.”
“Getting a bid for the presidency was just such a rush,” Joe Biden mused to our UTB reporters upon the news that he had won the election. “I mean, I knew a few of the chapter members, which could have helped me get in, but I was still overwhelmed when my friend Kamala called and said ‘we did it, Joe!’ She sounded kind of drunk, TBH, but I figured that if Kamala was celebrating, then I certainly could too! So I immediately changed my Instagram bio to President-elect.”
As members of Penn’s Class of 2025 finished their Early Decision applications on Halloween, some students reported seeing supernatural sightings as they tried to submit.
In their first months at Penn, many students reportedly experience “imposter syndrome,” in which they doubt themselves among their talented peers. Although this is a common phenomenon, one student seems to be taking it a bit far, and many are now questioning his actual credentials as a Penn student.
If there’s one thing I know, but that many of my followers sadly don’t, it’s that posting about activism on social media doesn’t actually make much of a difference. Sure, it’s nice to see you all repost a video of a polar bear standing on melting ice, but did you personally go to the Arctic and sacrifice yourself as a form of sustenance for the bear? That’s what I thought.
Last week, members of the virtual Ware College House received an email from their RA, Anoi Ying, that has puzzled rhetoricians across the globe. We at Under the Button were able to obtain a transcript:
After publishing my first article about Jeff from Writing Sem, I became the recipient of several silly, suspicious little DMs from upperclassmen: “How do you know so much about this place as a freshman? Like, Penn culture and shit? Where did you, like, hear about all that stuff, since you’ve never technically gone here?”
As anyone who isn’t a computer science major knows, socializing is an essential part of Penn culture. And whether or not people will want to socialize with you depends on the first and most formidable test: your fun fact during icebreakers. Of course, you could try being yourself, but you and I both know that plan is destined for failure.
A Message to the Penn Community