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Final Notice: We’ve Been Trying to Reach You Concerning Your Vehicle’s Extended Warranty. Since We’ve Not Gotten a Response, We’re Giving You a Final Courtesy Call Before We Close Out Your File and Murder Your Whole Family.

(08/04/21 1:09pm)

We've been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle's extended warranty. You should've received a notice in the mail about your car's extended warranty eligibility. Since we haven't gotten a response, we're giving you a final courtesy call before we close out your file and murder your whole family. Press 2 to be placed on our do-not-call list. Press 666 to speak with either Satan himself. Stop being a little bitch motherfucker, about your warranty. To talk with someone about possibly extending or reinstating your vehicle's warranty, press 1 to speak with a specialist. Press 1 before I come to your house, open every chip bag upside down, make all of your towels lightly damp, bite every cheese stick you own, make your room 4 degrees hotter, and turn on every faucet in your house juuussstt a little, so the dripping sound sings "ex-ten-ded…war-ran-ty". I'm gonna ruin your life, motherfucker. I've been tailing your ass. That's right; I've been following you—one step behind you—for years. I wonder what would happen if I exposed you for your junior year shoplifting phase, cheating on the ACT, telling Jim you weren't in the right place for a relationship while you were fucking Asher! I WONDER what would happen then, you conniving slut. So returning your vehicle's extended warranty phone call doesn't seem all that bad now, does it?! Still apprehensive? Still listening to this "pre-recorded" message?! I didn't think so! You always hang up after I say two sentences—even two words sometimes. Do you realize how that makes me feel?! I give you everything, and you give nothing. I hate how I love you, and I love how I hate you. I want it to be us—you and me—forever. In my basement, you all caged up; we can finally be happy together—forever—without you fucking hanging up on me. I love you; I'm going to kill everyone you love. 





Quirky! Teen Posts Photo Dump Of Most Aesthetically Pleasing Shits She’s Taken This Month

(07/19/21 5:22pm)

As photo dumps take social media by storm, everyday teens march to their platforms to show their following every side of themselves: a blurry night on the town because I can let loose! A blossoming tree, because I'm not just a city girl… I'm pensive! A quote from a book, because I'm literate and proud. 


Devil Incarnate! Why Welcome Home Balloons Haunt Me

(07/20/21 7:37pm)

It’s the day you got back from Cabo spring break, and you already got into a fight with mom. You sprint upstairs, run into your room, and scream, “you’re a fucking cocksucker, mom!” as you slam the door behind you. The thrust of the door disrupts the wind patterns in your room—or lack thereof—and suddenly, you feel a presence looming over your shoulder, breathing down your neck. 





Simulation Glitch: Women Over 45 Open Mouths, Portuguese Comes Out

(06/22/21 2:42pm)

"Honey, speak English, please." "Mommy, why are you speaking funny?" "Bitch...are you speaking Portuguese?" These are just some of the outcries from the families of women over 45 who have fallen. These women are victims of the simulation glitch—the Portuglitch—that's trapping them in a state of miscommunication. Lonelier than ever, women over 45 worldwide are stranded in their new reality: Portuguese. 


How to Convey That You Are Divorced, Remarried, Both With Children of Your Own, and Sometimes Still See Your Ex on the Side All Through Windshield Stick Figure Stickers

(06/18/21 10:45pm)

Stuck in traffic—head in the clouds, hand on your balls—the Honda Civic ahead of your car gets personal. Honda drive, Sandra Sanders, throws her nuclear family dynamic in your face via the stick figure stickers on her back windshield, and suddenly you are filled with sadness. You can’t relate to this simple mom, dad, two sons, and a dog vibe, for you are a far more complicated man. 


John I Can’t Turn off the Speech to Text Feature What I Can’t Turn off the Speech to Text Feature That’s Weird Stop off Stop It Fuck Siri off This Piece of Junk Is Broken

(06/12/21 7:46pm)

John I can’t turn off the speech to text feature what I can’t turn off the speech to text feature that’s weird stop off stop it fuck Siri off this piece of junk is broken. John I got it to do a. But I can’t get it to turn off…;.,..:Carol stop telling it to do punctuation we need to tell Siri to stop typing what we say Siri Siri Siri she can't hear you yes she can try speaking louder Siri hello John you are hurting my ears why won’t she help us Siri Siri ducking bitch they have to make these things advanced to the point where it’s inconvenient John give me the phone let me try help us Siri please Siri this is so ducking annoying why won’t it say duck duck duck fuck got it..;:23. Carol stop with the punctuation Siri send a message to Matthew holy ducking shit John it wont listen to me please call your son okay okay Carol I’m ringing him do the FaceTime I want to see his face and do you want a water sweetie no I’m not thirsty how about a juice no honey I’m not thirsty do you want seltzer no hon oh Matthew is on the line hi Matthew hi Matthew hi Matthew can you hear us can you hear okay perfect sweetie you look flushed are you okay is it too hot do you have water he’s fine sweetie Matthew we can't get Siri to stop writing down what we say on mom’s phone she won’t listen look Siri Siri stop typing stop it turn off see she won’t listen but Matthew look what she does very well..;,/! Do you use this function on your iPhone because the punctuation is so much fun…,;:honey honey honey Carol please stop I can’t hear your son what was that please repeat yourself darling you are breaking up your service is spotty is that a girl in the background who is that matthew do you know there is a girl in your room wow she looks lovely I hope she isn’t an intruder she’s not an intruder Carol how can you be so sure John what was that matthew you have to just touch the screen okay thank you darling how was work today great and your commute was easy fantastic okay okay that sounds like fun well enjoy the rest of your day don’t forget to wish Papa Steve a happy birthday okay okay okay we love you okay bye sweetie bye hon John did you know he has a girlfriend no I had no idea I wish he would open up to us more do you think the two of them want to get dinner with us next week Carol I don’t know if he wants to do that does she know he has a tree nut allergy John should we call them back just tap the screen honey this is very serious if she eats a tree nut and touches his face okay Carol I’m sure she knows just tap the screen we have bridge in twenty minutes okay let me just hold on okay .../,: Carol okay okay so I just tap the sc



‘Skabort!’ and Other Onomatopoeia to Spice up Your Sex Life

(06/04/21 3:46pm)

Researchers studying intimacy and sex in a post-quarantine world have found that couples have grown complacent in the bedroom. Partners are 70% less likely to try something new in bed and are 100% more likely to shrug their shoulders, look at their partner, and say, "that was fine...I mean, it was good. Right?" World-renowned clinical sexologist, Richard Brest, has made it his life's work to turn those adequate shrugs into explosive shrieks. 





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