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Date Title

How to Avoid Getting Covid

(04/28/21 6:43pm)

One year ago today, I stood where you are standing today: indoctrinated by leftist media’s fantasized tales of this “pandemic” and the “election”. But I stand here today a free man. Not only free of infectious lies told by Bill Gates, his unlawful wife Melinda, and their sex slave sweat shop they call their “Foundation”, but free of all of my “friends” who blocked me on facebook after I posted the undoctored photo of JFK’s assasination, with Obama holding a blowdart gun just feet away from this car.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2021/04/how-to-avoid-covid

Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025

(04/23/21 5:56pm)

This past weekend I got the chance to play Never Have I Ever with Penn Class of 2025...the entire Penn Class of 2025. Since Penn decided to cancel this year’s Quaker Days due to the ongoing pandemic, they have been juggling replacement ideas. After much deliberation, they decided to stuff the entire class into a cathedral (we also don't know why) with nothing besides 1000 handles of $8 vodka, a mysterious concoction called “The Truth Serum”, one glow stick, and me.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2021/04/never-have-i-ever

Call for Action: Make Babies Second Class Citizens

(04/10/21 8:37pm)

When does life truly begin? Is it at birth? Conception? Your first taste of the sweet, tender, glorious McRib? This is the million dollar question that political activists and abortion enthusiasts like myself have been asking since uteri were invented. I’m just gonna come out and say it: I hate babies...almost as much as those washed fuckers we call our “elders”. And while I understand that advocating for post-natal abortions may not sit well with the weak-hearted, baby-indulging, political left (or right), I feel we can find a mutually satisfying middle ground. I assert that babies should not be afforded the same rights as non-babies, and thus should be treated as second class citizens.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2021/04/fuck-babies-amiright

OP-ED: Penn Board of Trustees Votes to Begin Annual Child Sacrifices to Welcome the Harvest, and I FW It.

(03/06/21 8:24pm)

New Student Orientation is pretty great as is, but just imagine if everything was farm themed. Think about it - replace the darties with tractor rides, the late nights with some lit ass land tilling. I know, I’m also queefing with excitement.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2021/03/child-sacrifices-harvest-trustees

You Know Hemo’s Food Truck? You Were Right, Hemo Is Short for Hemorrhoids

(03/03/21 1:48pm)

Hemo’s infamous Hemo Sauce is accredited by many to be the rock that holds our student body together. We’ve all been there - 2AM on a Thursday night, one failed booty call away from dropping out and becoming a full time incel when we open our fridge and find our tub of Hemo sauce, glowing in the thick of so much darkness.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2021/03/hemos-saucehemorrhoids

Amy Gutmann Spotted Maskless in Van Pelt Recharging Her Batteries

(02/25/21 6:35pm)

Yup, you read that right. Our once trusted president, formerly loyal confidant, Amy Gutmann was spotted MASKLESS in Van Pelt Library changing her batteries.

https://www.underthebutton.com/article/2021/02/abolishamy-robot-maskless-vanpelt