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In a press release today, Penn’s LGBT center, home of free printing on campus and nothing else, announced that it is now acceptable to describe things you dislike as “gay.” This decision comes after the appointment of a new, straight president of the LGBT center, Brad Chadleyson, who replaced the former president, Stacy Layne Matthews.
You thought you were getting away with it, huh? Your telehealth therapist is droning on and on about how
you're “exhibiting toxic behaviors to your family” and “put your roommate in serious danger” while you nod and smile, secretly playing Angry Birds on your phone. Who still plays Angry Birds anyway? But as you chime in to defend yourself because your “roommate didn’t even need 2 functional kneecaps,” you notice as he nods along, stone-faced, his eyes look down and his face is lit from below.
As you may have heard, Penn has lifted the indoor mask mandate. For many of you, this may be a relief. No longer will you be confined by the fascist and, worse, unfashionable demands of this administration. You can finally use your mouth to breathe and suck cock as HaShem intended. However, for me, this is a living nightmare because I can no longer let my tongue hang out of my mouth in my recitations.
God, this girl is so rogue. Basically, you’re sitting in your recitation group for your ancient greek history class, and the girl across the table from you says, “it’s giving boring.” Holy shit. She is so funny. How am I such a fool to not think to string together such words myself. Her parents are Republicans but she is bisexual. That is really cool. You open Instagram and see her Parade ads. It’s so cool that she’s an influencer.
Hey bestie! Thanks for inviting me to your acapella show. I love the idea of watching 23 soon-to-be consultants pretend to be instruments while a girl from my ancient greek history recitation belts a song about a metaphorical sandcastle or her strained relationship with mom. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend because it just sounds terrible.
As someone who suffered for years from depression, anxiety, and a disease where I can’t stop eating gummy worms, I’ve always tried to be an advocate for mental health. According to some social science research journal somewhere probably, “stigma against ADHD has increased 10000% percent in the past 2 months” (Fauci, 2021).
Rise and shine cocksucker! Yep, you heard me right, that’s what you are, especially to your dear old grandmama and grandpapa. Your dad got tired of waiting, and told your grandparents that you’re gay. Honestly, it's better this way. If you had told them yourself, that would've been weird. Can you imagine what they would've said? Stuff like, "We love you no matter what" or "you're still our grandson". Ew. Thank God he saved you the trouble.
After recent complaints from undergraduates about communication problems with Penn’s Weingarten Learning Resource Center and Disabilities Services, the center has announced that they will finally be providing testing accommodations for students with Restless Leg Syndrome.
Neuropsych evaluation be damned. My doctor may have just formally diagnosed me with dyslexia, but he is mistaken, for I am a demigod whose brain is predisposed to reading Ancient Greek, like in Rick Riordan’s Percy Jackson book series. That’s right, my dad is Dionysus, god of partying! Shoutout to my brothers at SigEp!
Caitlin Smith, a history major in The College, isn’t afraid to tell you that social media is bad for you. Smith has been known to dramatically post about deactivating her social media accounts with captions like “Social media is so bad for you. Taking time to cleanse.” or “Social media is fake. Going to live my real life.”
Hey queen! I saw you on Locust, and I love your vibe. I’d love to give you a tap for my new senior society for hot sluts who don’t give a fuck. No uggos allowed. I’m serious. Gays and girls only.
As the only non-fascist in the classics department, Ben Sherman (C ‘23) is used to being discriminated against.
What? What was that? Oh yeah, sorry. No, the service here is fine. There’s just sweat on my phone. It’s super hot out here and the gap between the phone and my face is pretty tight. Honestly, the sweat from the effort of holding the phone up to my face isn’t make it any better either.
Jason Smith (C ‘22) seems to have it all. He’s the president of PAC exec, SMAC exec, Glee Club, ILMUNC, and Social Deduction Club and has jobs lined up at Bain, Paramount Plus, and Goldman Sachs after graduation. Some could say he’s really motivated — others might say it helps distract him from his severely untreated depression and anxiety that he developed in the competitive Penn environment.
As a part of the LGBTQ+ community, inclusion is very important to me. That’s why when my roommate, Cameron Schleating (W ‘22) recently told me he was “sapiosexual” (attracted to intelligent people), I wasn’t afraid to welcome him into the queer community.
Hey shes, gays, and theys! I’m like legit sooooo frustrated rn because I was totally stanning vaccines like 3 months ago because i was like….ok yes i LUV the direction ur going in…. Like the aesthetic was all safe vibes u kno?? Tbh like things were looking up! I was getting to see the girlies for brunch at white dog at our “use-tabe” (usual table).
“Manspreading” is defined as when a man sits with his legs spread wide apart in a public area in an effort to assert dominance. I have often been accused of manspreading, but as a person who is plagued with anxiety and is barely confident enough to go grocery shopping without a friend, I can assure you this is not my goal.
I know Under the Button is a joke publication, but I don't know what else to do. I have nowhere else to put these thoughts and feelings.
Listen, man. I wasn’t going to tread on you. I literally have more important things to do with my time. But goddamn, your flag really makes me want to tread on you. I wasn’t even thinking about treading on you until you brought it up! It’s like when someone tells you “don’t think about elephants.” What do you immediately think about? Elephants. Obviously, if all you’re talking about is being tread on, it seems like the subtext is that you want to be tread on. Pervert.