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Good Vibes 20% Effective Against UK Variant

(03/22/21 6:10am)

A recent study out of the University of Pennsylvania suggests that good vibes may statistically reduce the spread of coronavirus in individuals. The study consisted of a factorial design controlling for both the new South African and UK variants of Covid-19. The research conducted with 7 college-age students shows a real decrease in not just the spread of coronavirus, but in the severity of symptoms.

BREAKING: Mike Pence Kind of Hot

(10/24/20 6:39pm)

Bessie came into the Vice Presidential Debate ready to support her main girl Kamala, but came out sexually confused. Was Mike Pence kind of a dilf…? His silver head of hair, sharp jawline, the way he shushed the debate moderator with his strong, but calm voice.  But most of all Bessie liked his eyes. His masculine, Republican eyes. The kind of eyes that could watch a republic burn and see a beauty in the reds and oranges of the flame. The kind of man who can see a cow bleed out on the field and see a value in the temporal nature of its life. The kinds of eyes of a man who could fall in love.

You Don’t Have COVID... You Just Have Polio

(10/14/20 4:16am)

Do you have shortness of breath? A low-grade fever? Fatigue in your limbs? Have you been indoor dining without a mask, swimming at crowded beaches, or partying at Great Depression themed frat parties? Have you found a sudden fondness for wartime president Franklin Delano Roosevelt or been drawn to Philp Roth’s masterpiece, "Nemesis"? Well, my friend, you don’t have coronavirus-- you have polio. 

Why Runescape Is Better Than Sex

(10/07/20 5:23pm)

Many complain that quarantine has been horrible— the lack of human contact for days on end, constant social anxiety whenever you leave the house, and hours in front of a computer screen. Yes, quarantine can be hard if you’re not used to it, but you’re thinking about it the wrong way. Don’t think of yourself as an incel watching Zoom lectures, think of yourself as a monk dedicating your life to the one true cause—  Runescape.

How to Cook Your Chonky Seal

(10/01/20 3:41am)

The first step of cooking a Chonky Seal is procuring one. If you do not have a Chonky Seal one has two options: catching or buying. Catching a Chonky Seal, although difficult, is a worthwhile endeavor. The easiest way to catch a Chonky Seal is to slather up a penguin with warm butter and let it sit in your backyard overnight. You’re going to want to make sure to use a lot of seasoning or you may just attract a chunky seal, or worse, a plop raccoon. If you are choosing to buy your Chonky Seal (which is, unfortunately, illegal in many states) I advise slapping the belly before making your purchase. If the belly is too firm then that is not a Chonky Seal--that is a ripped seal with a six pack. If the belly is too soft then it is likely a Giga Chonky Seal--avoid theses as they are not worth the extra cost. 

Only Gym Bro With Access to Weights Now Chad Among Chads

(09/02/20 2:23pm)

When Jacob left his fraternity last spring he was nothing special: average height, lean, and with a face not particularly memorable. Determined to take advantage of the quarantine, he started working out twice a week in his parent’s basement. He’d amp himself up with a little A-ha’s “Take on Me” or if he was feeling naughty, some rap music. He’d then hit some bicep curls with his mom’s five pound green dumbbell, before doing tricep extensions with his father’s physical therapy bands, and finishing up his workout with 20 reps on the ThighMaster. He then solidified his gains by downing a chocolate peanut-butter protein shake in the anabolic window. 

Penn to Introduce Troll Under 38th Street Bridge

(03/08/20 5:00am)

Penn has announced Danny Devito as a new non-resident Professor of “being a troll”. The decision comes after complaints from the student body over a lack of troll under the 38th street bridge. Professor Devito will begin this April and can be recognized by his troll outfit and devilishly good looks. Penn has asked him to act as if he were Frank Reynolds playing Danny Devito playing a troll. 

Kelly Writers House to Allow Outdoor Smoking to Reduce Indoor Smoking

(03/05/20 5:40am)

The Kelly Writers House has announced that outdoor smoking will now be allowed on its front porch. The decision comes in an attempt to curb the rampant complaints of second-hand smoke within the house. One of the heads of the house wrote, “We understand that writing is impossible without smoking, but we think as a house we should move towards smokeless alternatives like vaping or smoking outside. Overall, snaps to this move.”

Paramount Pictures to Remake Sonic Again — This Time Sexier

(02/29/20 5:05pm)

Paramount Pictures' Sonic the Hedgehog struggled its opening week in the box office. The lackluster numbers were especially disappointing, as Paramount spent 40 million dollars redesigning the character last summer after an internet outcry. Paramount has responded to the films flopping by announcing another redesign. This time, Sonic is going to be “sexier.”

OP-ED: Parasite Was Good, but Wouldn’t It Be Better If It Were in English?

(02/25/20 5:00am)

In an unprecedented turn of events last week, the South Korean Film, Parasite, won four Oscars. The genre-bending masterpiece was the first non-English movie to win the prestigious best picture award. After hearing so many good things about the film, I finally got to watch it this week. My verdict? The movie was good, but it would have been even better if it were in English. 

OP-ED: Gritty Didn’t Punch That Kid, but He Should Have

(02/20/20 5:00am)

Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty was in hot water after he allegedly punched a child a couple of weeks ago. Gritty reportedly took a running start and struck a 13-year-old boy in the back (this is all real. Look it up). The subsequent police investigation has cleared Gritty of any misdoings. Maybe it's the Philadelphia talking, but I, for one, say that Gritty should have punched that kid.