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Penn SHS Recommends Receiving 100 Backshots Before Bed to Avoid Freshman Flu

(09/04/22 2:41am)

Look over at your roommate right now. Are they sleeping? Do they look magically beautiful, like a freshly picked carnation? Maybe they are doing a dance next to you. I love to dance, personally. I could be a dancer if I wanted to, or maybe a life coach. I could also be a model. Truthfully, I could do every job in the world perfectly, except being a spy. My beautiful ass would not be able to go anywhere unnoticed!

Quitting Nicotine Is So Easy! I’ve Already Done It Like 6 Times

(02/21/22 5:02pm)

After giving my Tinder date a handjob in the movie theater and realizing that he stole my Juul in the process, I decided to enter my new era of self-improvement. No more nicotine for me! Each morning, I would wake up and write “Vaping Kills” in my journal, over and over, until my hands bled. I would go online (to the Youtube) to watch videos of why vaping is bad for you. I even had plenty of at-home remedies for curbing my cravings: my most effective solution was to repeatedly bang my head against my kitchen counter until I would lose consciousness.