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Faking Interest, La Deuxième

(01/20/23 9:08pm)

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. To make you more comfortable in this space, we’d like to introduce ourselves. We are Maya Kreger and Carey Salvin, both self-declared role models and the least self-indulgent people you’ll ever meet. In the end, we’re just two girls hoping to spread goodwill with our life-changing and fully ideated ideas. We are here to answer your questions, no matter how outlandish or simplistic they might be. You're welcome!

Oh Shit! This Song Makes Me Want to Move My Body in Ways I’ve Never Moved Before

(11/28/22 2:50pm)

This past weekènd, we were at a social soirèe with some of our closest acquaintances. Upon entrance, we encountered a lackluster scene. No formidable music was present, nor were any good feelings to be had. They didn't even have champagne, only sparkling wine… from *gag* Milan *gag*. (P.s. There is NOTHING to do in Milan. It is DEVOID of activity.) How were we supposed to quench our dire thirst with this pedestrian imbibement? 

Such Activity! My Roommate Does a Mad Fit Dance Workout While I Lounge Wistfully on the Couch

(11/15/22 3:47pm)

I love to participate in healthy habits. Whether it’s sleeping for a full 24 hours to attain beautifully clear skin and a happy heart, or going on a diet of only truly delicious food, I’m all for keeping my body at its all-time physical (and emotional if I have time because that’s not as important) peak. That’s why I am studying really hard this semester. No, I’m not wasting my time on the traditional classes offered at Penn. That would be absurd. Instead, I’m focusing on the art of dance workouts, specifically those of my roommate BeBanna Hochwoman (C ‘25). 

OP-ED: I Express My Gender Identity Through My Pussy Hat Pink Umbrella

(11/01/22 3:09pm)

The other day, as I was meandering through our luscious campus, the sky began to weep cold tears upon my beloved body. As the rain fell heavenly, my 100% cashmere sweater soaked through, causing me to take immediate action. I took my drenched figure to the local convenience store I like to call “CVS," which happens to be one of my dear friend's initials. There, I meandered through the fully stocked aisles until I found the glorious, and wildly affordable, umbrella section. They had black ones, striped ones, even clear ones. But, then I remembered one crucial part of my self-identity: I am Girl. With this essential fact, my hand drifted towards the Pussy Hat Pink umbrella, and I felt secure again. 

Photo Essay: Why Don't You Care That We're In The Poconos?

(10/07/22 11:44pm)

As young, bright, svelte college students, we naturally made the trek to the Poconos for fall break. You might be thinking to yourself, why did I click on this “article”? Well, mayhaps you have the urge to live vicariously through two of Penn’s youngest, brightest, and sveltest minds. Please, follow us through our journey to what we like to call The Alps of Eastern Pennsylvania… or… The Poconos. 

OP-ED: Give Me a Wet, Sloppy European Kiss on the Cheek

(10/19/22 2:19pm)

I’ve been rather je ne sais pas as of late. Each morning, I find it hard to get out of my twin XL bed. I take the Rodin elevator at peak times just to feel something. One could say I’m in a rut. It’s rather hard to lead the life of a beautiful girl, let alone a Penn student. I go from class to class in a state of general disarray, feeling my sweet sweet life slip past me… 

Penn to Rent Your Parent’s Unfinished Basement for Student Housing During Upcoming Quad Renovations

(10/10/22 1:23pm)

As the Quad nears its renovation, Penn has faced a problem with finding student housing. With no nearby off campus apartment building available to rent, one choice became evident. As a result of these renovations, Penn has struck an unprecedented three-year deal with your parents to rent out their unfinished basement to house these displaced students.