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Feeling a Little Down? You Deserve It.

(04/17/20 5:41pm)

Uuuughjfdjsdhfds hhfhjhf uughghgh hhhhh ughg hhgfhff ughg. Uuhghghf hhhghgf hhfhjhf uughghkkkkkghhg. Hhgfhff ughg uuhghghf uughjfdjsdhfd hafsgdjhgfhdkj. Lfklfjksj uughwhjhsd brughsgdjhds hhdjdj ughhhhhshj. Agfshddhdfjkfd. You could have just not gone to school, you know? You could have taken up the family business. You could have learned to farm, but no, oh no, you thought an Ivy League education was worth it.

5 Ways to Cope with Whatever the Fuck This Is

(04/07/20 6:57pm)

Hey, guys, how are we holding up? Worried about the inevitable social collapse of society after the people in your home 2nd-to-3rd world country start to starve because they all live day-to-day in the informal labor sector and quarantine isn’t possible for them? Haha, me too! Happy we are all on the same page :) Well, in order to cope, I’ve been working on some self-care activities that I’m going to share with you today. Let me know in the comments if you try any of them and add some additions of your own!

BREAKING: United States to Consider Saving Lives

(04/05/20 6:14pm)

‘What?!’ you say, “but I wanted hundreds to die every day in my country!’ Well, unfortunately for most of you, it seems, the United States, after certain interest groups have been exceptionally annoying with their whining about human rights and dignity, has decided otherwise. Now, this isn’t entirely for sure, and personally, I would prefer it weren’t. This information itself comes from President Donald Trump’s most recent Twitch livestream.

Anyone Feel Like Sexting?

(03/25/20 6:08am)

Hey, how’s quarantine going for y’all? I’m sure we’re all feeling a little bored cooped up in our houses or standing a meter away from a fellow Starbucks worker in a nearly empty building. If you’re, for some reason, not following quarantine, then I’d like to direct you to my fist because I’m going to beat the shit out of you for being a braindead psychopath in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. But whatever I’m not talking to those people right now.

Shit Hurts So Bad Just Want Her [Bobby’s Burger Palace] Back

(03/26/20 5:46am)

Hey, guys, Greg here. A lot of you have been asking how I’m doing lately, and I think it’s about time I came forward to my subscribers about what’s been going on behind the scenes. I know my videos are something my audience looks forward to a lot. But I don’t know if I can do this anymore. The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.

OP-ED: Anyone Feel Like Ransacking Arch Tonight?

(03/04/20 5:00am)

I’m getting a little bored of Wawa. My room is already stocked full of Takis, pastries, and Lunchables that I’ve stolen from various Wawa locations all throughout Philadelphia, but it’s getting old. It’s 1. too easy and 2. not a good look given my respect for the working class, especially Wawa workers. To remedy this, I’ve come up with a solution, but I’m going to need the help of a couple dozen readers.

Wellness Win! CAPS to Offer Free Cock and Ball Torture

(03/02/20 5:00am)

At long last, thousands of depressed students all around the world can go to sleep at ease tonight. After months of lobbying the University of Pennsylvania administration with money, protests, and much worse, the requests of the people will finally be honored. Starting this very Monday, CAPS will be offering cock-and-ball torture to anyone with a penis. 

OP-ED: If You See Me Walking Into Center City, Don't Stop Me, I'm Never Coming Back

(02/25/20 5:00am)

It’s almost spring break, fellow boys, but most of us are still entangled with midterm shit and by most of us, I mean me, and only me. Given that I am entirely alone in all of my issues as always, it’s no shock that everyone keeps being all happy-go-lucky and asking where I’m gonna spend my spring break. Well, first of all, it’s none of your business. Second, fuck you.

Breaking: Calling Pete Buttigieg a Rat Is Both Good and Cool

(02/21/20 5:00am)

In every Democratic primary, things are bound to get ugly. I personally remember when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton brawled on the debate stage, so it should come as no surprise that this year, the candidates are using similar tactics. After all, in the most recent debate, Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders threw dozens of punches despite claiming to be the bestest of friends. However, some have claimed that calling Pete Buttugggieg a rat after he rigged the entire election in his favor and killed Bloomberg on stage is going too far. 

University of Pennsylvania to Suspend University of Pennsylvania Following Hazing Concerns

(02/17/20 5:00am)

It’s no surprise that the famed Ivy League University of Pennsylvania participates in hazing. Last year, in fact, they only accepted around 7 percent of applicants after an absolutely horrific challenge that included writing essays, studying for standardized tests, and transforming your identity as a person into a simplified commodity that you can market to a school whose progressive stances are merely for performance purposes and who primarily educates and exists to serve the same class of people who they teach you are oppressive. Anyway...

To My Roommate Who Keeps Making Milkshakes at 3 A.M.

(02/09/20 5:00am)

I admit I haven’t been the best roommate. Yes, I meet weekly with our third roommate in secret in order to plan different ways to make your life miserable. Yes, I plan enormous parties where we illegally commit high-stake crimes in your room, like getting involved in the avocado cartel dealings of Northern Mexico and torrenting movies. And yes, I play Daddy Yankee’s entire discography every morning as an alarm.

BREAKING: Engineering Students Must Now Learn to “Read” and “Write”

(02/02/20 5:00am)

This Thursday, Penn Wellness revealed their third new attempt this month to lower depression statistics among both undergraduate and graduate students. According to reports, the decision that “Penn Engineering students must learn basic literacy” comes after learning that over 90% of the student body couldn’t read the self-help books every incoming freshmen received. Nursing students had similar statistics, but nursing students are supposed to hate themselves, so nothing will be done.

Don’t Want To Be A Soldier? No Worries! Here’s a Guide to Self-Injury

(01/24/20 5:00am)

While my haters may say making jokes about World War III is disrespectful, I’m here to say that this is no joke. As someone who has dodged the draft over 12 times and disrespects the troops at every possible waking moment, this is made in pure earnest in order to help my fellow countrymen disavow their own personal and local military industrial complex.

OP-ED: Derek, I Know You're Reading This. Call Me Back.

(12/16/19 7:43am)

I’m not stupid, Derek. I know you’re an argumentative piece of shit. You think I don’t know you search up “OP-ED” every four minutes into Google just to find someone to yell at for having an opinion? Of course I know, we've lived together for two years. You were the love of my life, and now you’ve gone out and found yourself someone new, huh? Someone who I bet doesn’t drag their fingers over your scalp tenderly the way I did.

CAS Student Who Says They're 'Transferring to Wharton' Currently Failing Econ

(12/11/19 6:18am)

Another day, another morning of depression for local students at the local University of, local, Pennsylvania. Not unlike most of the College student body (recent reports claim it may even be over 90% of the class of 2023), Frued Thomas (C '23) is adamant that any one of these days he’ll be able to successfully transfer into Wharton. After all, he says that if he doesn’t, his father will “make him suffer for the rest of my life. I have nightmares, you know. Sometimes I wake up at 6 p.m., crippled by sleep paralysis, unable to move. He stands at the corner of my room— my father, I mean. He says: stupid idiot child. All I have given up for you, coming to this country, and how you have forsaken me. Become Elon Musk or never return to our household ever again.”

Heartwarming: Professor Enforces Diversity by Mispronouncing Everyone's Names

(11/25/19 7:23am)

“Res-buck-al,” says Professor Starner, in his computer science lecture one rainy, gloomy morning, to Engineering sophomore Rebecca Caucasian sitting in the front row. The class is bewildered, mouths are dropped, and that bratty kid in your class trying to transfer into Wharton stood up. He reportedly argued that reverse racism had gone too far.