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Penn Housing Selection Crashed as Local Militia Invades The Radian

(03/02/23 6:57pm)

Last week, the freshman class at Penn were given three days to select their residences for the 2023-24 school year. However, the medium for these selections, My Home At Penn, frequently stalled out and experienced other shortages during the time slots. It was previously thought that these technical difficulties came as a result of the thousands of students hoping to get “an 03 room on the Rodin top floors,” yet this was soon proven false. What was discovered in its place was a new culprit: a local militia trying to claim The Radian as their own.

OP-ED: I’m Going to Cabo for Spring Break in a Woke, Leftist Way

(02/28/23 3:56am)

I need an escape from the grind, and spring break has arrived as my savior. It will be a week of drinking and partying, one would think. However, I’m different. I’m different from the normal Cancún and Miami excursions. I’m different from the American neoliberal agenda. I’m going to Cabo for spring break in a woke, leftist way, and I’m going to make Papa Marx proud. 

Penn Listens: Penn Dining Adds “Natty Light” to the Meal Exchange Program

(02/27/23 5:40pm)

Students asked, and Penn answered! “Natty Light” is now available at 1920 Commons, Hill, and the Houston Market Meal Exchange starting this coming Monday. Penn Dining has been consistently improving their plentiful options for the new semester. First came the additional smoothies at 1920 Commons and Hill breakfast to help more people start their day on the right note; however, many students felt that this left other parts of the typical school day neglected. Through petitions and the amazing work of attentive student government officers making real change, Natural Light was brought to the shelves of Penn’s finest dining establishments. This new addition primarily helps students persevere later into their days and nights when pure coffee doesn’t suffice. Whether they’re doing tedious Writing Seminar work, sitting through hours of CIS office hour lines, or going to a GBM they’re definitely excited for, students have been making quick work of the added refreshments. We polled real Quakers on how they feel about this new component to their breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. “Finally, I can sit through my 8:30 [AM] BEPP 1000 recitation!” stated one Wharton student approvingly. “I would prefer Pike’s mystery vodka, but this also gets the job done,” lamented one freshman. With students’ approval, hopefully Penn Dining continues catering towards the needs of its customer base. As they embark on this path, there’s no doubt that a more fulfilled student body is to come; data indicates that pisses taken on the Benjamin statue have already increased by 30%!