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Cute! Penn Dems to Launch Whimsical "Millenial Pink" Infographics Advocating for War With Russia

(02/24/22 9:00am)

While Penn students have been occupied with date nights and lingering assignment deadlines, our foreign policy apparatus has been contending with a Red Menace in Eastern Europe. If one was unaware of impending war, they should be forgiven. So was our President. Rest easy because the godless Political Science majors hired by our State Department hatching diabolical schemes have your best interests at heart. 

Penn to Suspend Campus Operations Until They Get To the Bottom of What’s Going on (Theta Big-Little Week)

(02/21/22 7:29pm)

You open the instagram app and peruse through a few stories, as one is wont to do. After a few promoting mediocre performing arts group events, you eventually tumble upon a picture of a twin-sized bed adorned with oversized bags of Skinny Pop, black and gold sorority paraphernalia, and large balloon letters which spell “Theta Loves You.”

OP-ED: They Should Replace Louie Louie With a Second McDonalds

(10/28/21 8:51pm)

Earlier this week I happened to stroll past the restaurant Louie Louie on Walnut Street. Upon first glance I was struck by the refined personal style and rarefied affect of its diners. Their conversations were saturated with intellectualism, including topics like the cheapest time to buy flights to Switzerland. Financial thrift is a testament to our school’s academic rigor and the virtues of its student body. Surely, this was a food establishment intended for those with sublime taste palettes. 

OP-ED: We Need a Moratorium on the Word “Neoliberal” Until I Figure Out What it Means

(09/29/21 2:33pm)

Everything was going well for me this semester! Settling in to new classes is always a fraught experience, especially when contending with a severe mental handicap (being gay). That is, everything was going well until I confronted a frightening experience. In one of my recitation sections, a student took it upon themselves to deploy an unfamiliar term in the midst of our previously convivial discussion - “neoliberalism”. 

Gutmann’s Appointment to German Ambassadorship Wreaks Havoc on Relations between NATO Member States

(09/09/21 1:39am)

The Penn community was startled this summer to find that President Amy Gutmann had been selected by the Biden Administration to be Ambassador to Germany. Exhibiting bravery characteristic of Penn’s pedagogical and civic mission, Gutmann accepted the nomination in spite of lacking any relevant political experience. Careful examination of her resume failed to produce any clear evidence of statecraft or diplomacy, two qualities crucial for managing international relations. 

Anticipation Turns to Anger as Students Realize In-Person Learning Actually “Worse”

(08/24/21 10:37pm)

Over the next week, thousands of students will descend upon the hallowed halls of Penn’s historic campus to experience the totality of the Ivy League experience. Gothic architecture, rarefied senior societies, and a raging superiority complex are just a few of the amenities in store for this next wave of scholars. Despite the upheaval and disruption wrought by the COVID-19 pandemic, which is most definitely over, Penn students displayed a commendable resilience and fortitude of spirit in navigating the tumult of online learning. However, a new school year will usher in the return of in-person learning and a return to relative normalcy. Bright eyes and fertile minds will soon populate the countless classrooms that have given us some of the most influential luminaries of past generations. 

Innovative! Meet the Management and CIS Students Launching the "Uber" for Indentured Servitude

(03/07/21 6:15pm)

Twenty-first century society is characterized by plentiful consumer choice for tech-enabled conveniences. UberEats, Co-Star, Amazon and many other apps have become fixtures in our daily routines. Their ubiquity has inspired global entrepreneurial endeavor as investors race to identify the next dominant platform. Martin Tiwari (SEAS’ 22) and Sarah Gomez (W’ 23) have taken notice.

Breaking: Second Lockdown! Not Like You Losers Had Friends Anyway

(12/08/20 6:13am)

Our little pandemic detente seems to be slowly crumbling and many have been left wondering: what will the future look like? In a world accustomed to the global economy’s routine functioning, the uncertainty generated by successive ways of lockdown bears unequal costs. Students are left wondering about the value of their degree, casting a melancholic glance over their vanishing youth. Few words can comfort, but take solace in the fact that you were kind of a loser anyway. 

Chinese Government Announces New 5G-Enabled COVID-20

(11/19/20 5:28pm)

Building off of the momentum of the first novel coronavirus, the Chinese Communist Party has announced a second version will be hitting the scene in the final months of 2020. Officials from the CCP have expressed the intention to incorporate user feedback about COVID-19 to improve this version’s features and design. These new features will include a higher mortality rate, a higher chance of transmission, and connectivity to state-of-the-art 5G telecom networks.

In Bid for Greater Gender Inclusivity, Amy Gutmann Announces New Set of STEM Courses “for Girls"

(11/20/20 4:17pm)

The intense disruption brought to the classroom this semester by the novel coronavirus has presented educators with areas of opportunity for lasting positive change. Eyeing the gender disparity that continues to plague STEM fields, President Amy Gutmann has announced a sweeping set of changes to the university’s traditionally male-dominated fields. Among these changes, Penn plans to introduce a new set of introductory STEM courses aimed at a predominantly female audience. 

Under the Button’s Guide to Voting (For Girls and Gays)

(10/10/20 8:52pm)

Listen up, girls and gays. We totally understand why this election is important. And we really really care about it. But, let’s be honest for a second. We’re hot! And if you’re reading this, you’re probably hot. We lead super busy lives (being hot). So we wanna make voting as sexy as possible, given the deeply unerotic nature of participating in our democracy. 

Under the Button Endorses Kim Kardashian West as Ruth Bader Ginsburg's Replacement

(10/09/20 12:56pm)

The upcoming Presidential election and the passing of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg have sewn discord at the very heart of our republic. The person who is going to assume her place must strike a balance between understanding the spirit of the law and remaining true to the Constitution since that apparently matters a lot. Although Trump has locked in his choice for the seat with the nomination of Amy Coney Barrett, her ties to the Papacy angered members of the WASP establishment due to their anti-Catholic prejudices. There is only one person up to the task: Kim Kardashian West.