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SHS to Be Replaced With Battalion of Busty Swedish Women Offering Deep-Tissue Massages

(01/27/23 10:48pm)

Amid the highly virulent flu season, Penn administration has established a new approach to combat illness on campus. What started as a heated debate between the benefits of acupuncture, reiki healing and Ayurvedic herbs has reached its final conclusion. The SHS main location at 3535 Market Street will be populated with a different kind of specialist. The ultimate kind. 

Huntsman To Be Dissolved To Dust, Gigantic and Obscene Monument For Wharton Alliance To Be Erected in Its Place

(11/01/22 3:10pm)

BREAKING – Wharton Alliance sponsored orgy turned massacre. Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal. Officers found multiple tote bags containing a massive strap-ons collection, amounts of lube that could drown a village, and fishnet gloves. The door was barcaded with PrEp, but Penn Police bust down to find the victims formed in a human centipede with Crash by Charli XCX playing on repeat in the background. Such an atrocious act can only be met with an flamboyantly large display of amore for the LGBTQIA2S+  Community of Penn.