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One institution at Penn is taking credit for Penn’s COVID-19 test positivity rate plummeting from “holy crap” levels to “we good” levels: the Penn Positive Psychology Center.
Oops! Upon sitting down to write one of her four papers due this week English major Sarah Goldman C' 22 discovered some alarming medical news. "I was looking at the Canvas site to read the prompt and it was like all the words had been replaced by these weird little sqiggles," recounts Goldman.
The introduction of new strains of COVID-19 on campus has many students, understandably, concerned. While many point fingers at violators of the Campus Compact, a study conducted by the CDC has confirmed our worst fears, that the strain is transmitted through one of America’s most beloved British shows: The Great British Bake Off.
With mental health concerns becoming just slightly more worrisome throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, one Penn professor is taking an innovative approach to student wellness. Dr. Bud, a well-known and highly respected professor in the Religious Studies department, began hosting virtual smoke sessions during his weekly office hours this past January. The new initiative, Herbal Hours, has been extremely successful so far, consistently gathering more students than Bud’s weekly lectures.
The science is in! A new study from the Penn Department of Sociology has confirmed that joining someone’s Personal Meeting Room on Zoom is basically the same as getting to third base with them.
The group was buckling down to tackle the motherfucking group homework of the week! During the Introduction to Microeconomics Friday recitation, Stephanie Lopez (C’23), Dennis Ward (C’24), and Josiah Gordon (C’24), joined their breakout room, ready to get down to the problem set.
In a lot of ways, Penn Transit is that girl. We all know and love her. Even though she takes approximately 67 minutes to get ready every time we go out... It’s okay because she’s there when we need her most.
We’ve all been there. You’re in an asynchronous lecture and you start to feel something. Is ... is my professor into me? Are they hitting on me right now? Here are five ways to determine if your suspicions are in fact accurate.
On Ash Wednesday, Kate Collins (C '22) decided that for the next 40 days of Lent, she, just like her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, would be completely withdrawing from society. She has made the conscious decision to totally and utterly, 100% abstain from life.
Ezra Bachar (C’24) has been caught up in the biggest plagiarism scandal of the week. They have been in a dispute with their European History professor since early Monday morning, who granted them an automatic fail when noticing that their essay could be found word-for-word on Wikipedia. Bachar claims that, although there are significant similarities between their essay and the Wikipedia page, it does not count as plagiarism because they authored the entire Battle of Agincourt article themselves. This twelve-page article contains almost 200 citations and is so high-brow that it doesn’t even mention that the Battle of Agincourt was the inspiration for the Battle of the Bastards in Game of Thrones. The only cultural references included are to Shakespeare adaptations, a sign that most classmates agree suggests that this was not the work of Bachar.
Intro to Marketing Professor Theodore Waddell recently sent out an email to all of his students entitled “Five Reasons Why We Are Switching to Clickbait Format (And Five Reasons Why We Should Absolutely Do No Such Thing).” Students were confused by the contradictory nature of the email. Is this, as the email claimed, what it looked like when a college class embraced the unique challenges of reaching a large viewer demographic in an Internet culture that is becoming increasingly niche? And if the email contained fifteen things you’d never thought you’d hear a professor say, why did at least ten of them sound identical while the other five were just ads?
New Student Orientation is pretty great as is, but just imagine if everything was farm themed. Think about it - replace the darties with tractor rides, the late nights with some lit ass land tilling. I know, I’m also queefing with excitement.
Is your common sense better than the Penn administration? Are you also ready to infect more students just for a little more money?
Hey, bro. Wanna do me a solid here and proofread my essay? Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight. Thanks, man! Later.
Keen-eyed passerbyers will note that the McDonald’s on Walnut and 40th always has its American flag at half mast. Symbolically, flags flying at half-mast usually signify some sort of grieving, so this begs the question, what is McDonald’s constantly grieving about?
In a shocking change of course, Fossil Free Penn has declared that oil rigs are actually kind of sick when you think about it.
The Daily Pennsylvanian has now launched DP+, the new mobile app where users can better access DP news and content right from their phone. Sounds pretty harmless, right? Well, not quite. You see, the addition of this new software widens the reach (control?) that the DP already has over the student body (and the surrounding Philadelphia area in general). From printed editions, to their fancy website, and the daily emails, they’ve successfully infiltrated every aspect of our lives.
Thus far in the semester, there have been 250 reports of people breaking the campus compact, but what they didn't tell you is that no less than 127 of these reports are for one kid, Kevin "Rex" Jones C '22. Born with a full set of teeth, Jones began his long history of delinquency by biting his sister within moments of his birth. Since then, Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.
It’s a tale as old as time, girls hate the nice guy and fuck the bad boy. The nice guy sits at home with his little “pod,” trying to protect his grandmother and people he doesn’t even know? The nice guy cares about the community and others, and is a lame-ass little bitch. What girls want is big parties and casual hook up sessions, not Zoom dates with the Green Pass guy. Do you want to get drunk alone and have phone sex over Zoom? I don’t think so. Girls want the baddie with the Red Pass because let’s face it, red is known for being the most seductive color anyway. Do they have loss of appetite and a new rash on their toes or fingers? Frankly, that’s none of your business anyway.