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(03/04/21 5:34pm)
It’s a tale as old as time, girls hate the nice guy and fuck the bad boy. The nice guy sits at home with his little “pod,” trying to protect his grandmother and people he doesn’t even know? The nice guy cares about the community and others, and is a lame-ass little bitch. What girls want is big parties and casual hook up sessions, not Zoom dates with the Green Pass guy. Do you want to get drunk alone and have phone sex over Zoom? I don’t think so. Girls want the baddie with the Red Pass because let’s face it, red is known for being the most seductive color anyway. Do they have loss of appetite and a new rash on their toes or fingers? Frankly, that’s none of your business anyway.
(03/25/21 2:52pm)
(03/02/21 3:52pm)
One salacious Saturday night, Stephanie Lopez (C’23) met up with some guy (E’22). After some standard flirting and walking around, the two decided to go back to said guy’s place off campus. The two engaged in some lightly conversations about music and their shared enthusiasm for Kendrick Lamar, Drake, and Dua Lipa.
(03/02/21 3:58pm)
Omg bestie that’s like totally exciting and I’m like super happy for you... but tbh it’s kinda tmi and I don’t remember asking?
(03/03/21 12:48am)
Welcome to Ego of the Weak, our weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For this week’s installment, we’re sitting down with Class Board, Penn’s favorite group of narcissists, to ask them who the fuck they think they are, and why the fuck we should care.
(03/03/21 1:42pm)
Listen...it’s my birthday today and the one thing you cannot say to me is “Happy Birthday.” It’s one thing if you don’t know it’s my birthday (which is today). I am willing to be the bigger person and forgive you for this heinous mistake. But if you know me and when my birthday is (again, today), how dare you force me to respond to your stupid little birthday message.
(03/03/21 1:44pm)
Following the recent announcement to require all sophomores to be on a dining plan, Penn has elaborated on its plan to enhance Penn's Second Year Experience program. In order to build community around shared meals and combat food insecurity, sophomores will now be locked up at the very bottom of New College House West, eating dog shit.
(02/28/21 6:26pm)
At some point between now and some time that isn’t now, Punxsutawney Pritchett will emerge from his hallowed home and determine whether or not he is able to see his shadow. The ruling could not come at a more critical time, as it will decide whether Penn students will receive vaccinations this spring.
(03/03/21 1:46pm)
Umm, okay? Things got kinda awkward last Monday after philosophy professor Mary Cottingham presented a suspiciously personal scenario for her ethics class to discuss.
(02/27/21 5:09pm)
For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.
(03/24/21 1:00am)
When you go walking by night up a street and your phone, deep in your pocket – buried under your PennCard, gloves, earphones, and two stray packets of hot sauce – buzzes, well, you don’t fetch it, not even if it’s your depressed friend calling, not even if it’s your parents trying to reach you after months of silence, not even if it’s that boy, but you let it buzz.
(03/02/21 4:01pm)
Amid endless financial struggles for the University, Penn has found a new, sustainable revenue stream: PennOpen Pass+.
(03/01/21 2:20pm)
Listen, I’m not anti old people - I need to make that clear right off the bat. I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID-19, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly. It really is nothing personal, I love ¾ of my grandparents dearly, I just think that right now, given our current circumstances with everything, they just may not be the best fit...for the world. And yeah I get it, life, regardless of whose it is, has intrinsic value...yada yada yada. But guys, come on. Let’s drop the act -- old people gotta go. Where’s my silent majority at on this one.
(03/03/21 1:48pm)
Hemo’s infamous Hemo Sauce is accredited by many to be the rock that holds our student body together. We’ve all been there - 2AM on a Thursday night, one failed booty call away from dropping out and becoming a full time incel when we open our fridge and find our tub of Hemo sauce, glowing in the thick of so much darkness.
(02/27/21 5:07pm)
Here come the baby Quakers! With half of them newly admitted through Early Decision and the other half incoming in the next months through Regular Decision, we here at Under the Button are so excited to welcome them to the Penn community.
(02/27/21 5:05pm)
Starbucks recently announced that their upcoming seasonal menu will debut two new items that have yet to be seen in any of their stores. The coffee chain will soon be offering their customers the option of a Vaccine Boost to any drink for only an extra .10¢. More exciting, however, is the Adderall Pump for .15¢!
(03/01/21 2:17pm)
Want to look like the most exclusive, hottest bitches in Philadelphia? Under the Button did all the hard work for you and found where they like to hang out. Trust us — if you hang around these places long enough, you’ll feel yourself getting sexier.
(03/01/21 2:24pm)
College athletes are still reeling from the recent announcement that the Ivy League will not move forward with spring conference competition, given the worrisome trends of the ongoing pandemic. Disheartened by the news, students wonder how much longer sports will have to endure the virus’ damaging effects.
(03/03/21 4:06pm)
The Penn Hate Crime Club has rebranded itself as the Anti-Crime Club after questions were raised during the club’s recruitment process this semester.
(03/31/21 4:09am)