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Penn recently announced that it would force sophomores in the 2021-2022 school year to purchase meal plans. Generally, this decision has angered many sophomores, calling it a “blatant cash grab”. However, before we judge the school for grabbing money from children, we must understand the university’s motives.
In a stunning win for student physical and mental wellbeing, the University of Pennsylvania administration has announced that students have actually already been getting days off school! Students everywhere rejoiced as they realized that in addition to not having any classes that meet on Fridays, they have also been given most Fridays off.
Hey, kid. Yeah, I’m talking to you, right there, with the slack-jawed doe eyes and type-A nasal passages. Pop a squat because I’m about to learn you a thing or two about life and, in doing so, justify my own decisions to take only pass/fail courses this semester.
Many students have felt alone this pandemic, but some students have found a cure for the isolated feelings in their heart. Instead of having real human interactions, many students have bought plants. “Succulents don’t break your heart like that bitch Alice does,” says beginner plant enthusiast Tyler. Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”
After months of hearing the news say "COVID bad," I think it's time for us to go back to normal life. I understand that people are sick and some are dying, but it's time for us to realize that this illness is a plague sent from the Lord designed to kill off the sinners and we should not interfere.
Welcome to Ego of the Weak, a new weekly segment here at Under the Button where we interview members of the most morally reprehensible, unnecessary, and borderline psychotic clubs on this pathetic campus. For our first installment, we’re sitting down with Kite & Key, Penn’s Tour Guide Society, to ask them who the fuck they think they are, and why the fuck we should care.
Just when you thought Penn couldn’t get any more generous, they go out and do another amazing deed.
Last week, Winter Storm Uri wreaked havoc on Texas, leaving millions without power and dozens dead. In the midst of this catastrophe, GOP Senator Ted Cruz came under fire for taking a last-minute trip to Cancún, Mexico, escaping his doomed home state. Although Cruz’s reputation took a hit, his team has successfully initiated damage control: the senator tweeted a photo op of himself loading bottled water into trunks with the inspiring caption “#TexasStrong,” and today it was revealed that Cruz took it upon himself to boil some water of his own—Mexican tap water from his Cancún resort—in solidarity with his fellow Texans.
“I am, like, so excited to be serving this population!” exclaimed Karen White, a junior in the Huntsman program, after being elected as the new president of Wharton Latino. White makes history as the first Italian ever to lead the organization!
Listen, you stinky little meat pie...you think toilet paper is enough? You’re actually walking out of the bathroom, convinced you’re fully clean? Well, I got news for you buddy.
Stop the presses! It has come to our attention that the entire school of Wharton is just one paltry UTB article away from complete and irrevocable collapse.
A recent study out of the University of Pennsylvania suggests that good vibes may statistically reduce the spread of coronavirus in individuals. The study consisted of a factorial design controlling for both the new South African and UK variants of Covid-19. The research conducted with 7 college-age students shows a real decrease in not just the spread of coronavirus, but in the severity of symptoms.
Greek life has been falsely accused for the high Corona rates at Penn time and time again. Several of the frats on campus performed a study connecting virtual Zoom classes with transmission of the virus, not their in person events. The frats were sick and tired of the administration blaming them for “behaving irresponsibly” and they were determined to use their Ivy League minds to push the blame onto someone else.
In a story developing out of University City, Under the Button staff writer Sharon Brad-Grassley (C ’22) emerged out of her remote Counseling and Psychological Services therapy session completely unfunny.
Yup, you read that right. Our once trusted president, formerly loyal confidant, Amy Gutmann was spotted MASKLESS in Van Pelt Library changing her batteries.
Soon-to-be unemployed senior Jessica Robertson is coming to grips with an uncomfortable fact: Being principled is hard, but getting a nice job at the cost of her soul is also pretty darn hard. “Why did no one tell me?” she groaned.
After extensive amounts of time, energy, and donor money spent, the Annenberg Public Policy Center has found that everyone just needs to cool down and be a little more chill.
ISO: Well-Balanced Guy (University City)
We’ve been doing remote learning for some time now. In some ways, it feels like the only life we’ve ever truly known. A year ago, when taking all your assessments on Canvas was shiny and new, we were all cheating our asses off. I just want to make sure that we’re all still on the same page that we’re cheating on every exam, right?
We’re all accustomed to lying about our ages. For many years, we had to lie upwards in order to buy booze and get into bars. Then, one day, bam! You’re old enough to drink. And then wham! People will be asking about your life plans, talking about trends you don’t understand, and making you feel old for still taking introductory lectures. Don’t let this happen to you. Start lying about your age before the world attempts to thrust responsibilities upon you that provide nothing but stress and general confusion.