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We’ve been doing remote learning for some time now. In some ways, it feels like the only life we’ve ever truly known. A year ago, when taking all your assessments on Canvas was shiny and new, we were all cheating our asses off. I just want to make sure that we’re all still on the same page that we’re cheating on every exam, right?
We’re all accustomed to lying about our ages. For many years, we had to lie upwards in order to buy booze and get into bars. Then, one day, bam! You’re old enough to drink. And then wham! People will be asking about your life plans, talking about trends you don’t understand, and making you feel old for still taking introductory lectures. Don’t let this happen to you. Start lying about your age before the world attempts to thrust responsibilities upon you that provide nothing but stress and general confusion.
You know those things they’re doing this semester? “Engagement Days,” or something? Dude. Whatever they’re called, all I know is that I need, like, two consecutive weeks of them.
Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies.
President Amy Gutmann has had enough.
In a philanthropic move that has shocked the world of higher education, famed rap legend and cultural icon Onika Tanya Maraj-Petty, better known by her stage name Nicki Minaj, has pledged to donate $100 million to Penn's psychological and counseling services center.
Students flocked to campus a month ago, eager for a new year and all that campus had to offer. They were so excited to experience the joy and happiness that has eluded them for the past few months. They could not wait to change their surroundings, only to find themselves shocked that the loneliness followed them all the way to Philadelphia. If this pandemic is apparently global does that mean they can never escape their boredom? Or perhaps all along they’ve been the thing stopping themselves from achieving happiness. No, that’s not possible--it’s not as though they sabotage themselves by having 7+ hours of screen time, eating 1.5 meals a day, and sleeping only 4 hours. The problem has to be Penn.
Following its recent announcement to require all sophomores to be on a dining plan, Penn is now moving to require all residents of the greater Philadelphia area to also be on Penn's meal plan. It hopes to phase out the Unites States Dollar entirely, replacing it with the Dining Dollar.
We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!
In life, there are many difficult decisions we all must make, such as which grandparent to take off life support, which child to save at Auschwitz, and whether to use penne or spaghetti with pesto sauce.
I’m just curious about if it’s a University policy to only allow hotties to become teaching assistants. It seems too consistent a pattern to not have any sort of institutional backing. If not, then where do they all come from? Does Amy Gutmann herself hand select each chiseled jawline, each perfect cheekbone, each luscious lock? Why are there so many of them? Does she breed them in the basement of College Hall, like dogs? Dogs with the eyes of angels and the jawlines of Adonises? Dogs with beaming smiles and the time management skills of a pro-league referee?
In these times of social distancing, the last thing anyone wants to see on their timelines is a picture or video bunch of people hanging out. It is viscerally eerie at this point to see any representation of any number of people convened indoors, especially if they don’t have masks on. Sometimes it feels like no one on social media even knows that we’re living through a global pandemic.
With the pandemic raging across campus and spreading faster than AIDS at a fraternity party, here are some UTB approved suggestions that will protect you from the germs on elevator buttons.
Freshman Po Thead (C '24), a self-proclaimed connoisseur of cannabis, is excited that Pot Truck will be reopening.
Gotcha, sucker! After spending hours scrolling through content on underthebutton.com, you’ve finally fallen into my clutches.
February birthdays faked empathy last year as March and April birthdays were ruined by the pandemic, but let’s face it, they didn’t really care. They were honestly relieved that they didn’t need to do anything for their other friend’s birthdays besides shoot them a text. Campus was empty and now they didn’t need to share their alcohol with the pandemic birthday boy. But how did that work out for them in the long run huh?
A new psychological study from Penn’s emerging Lana Del Rey Center for Psychosomatic Excellence has confirmed what many researchers have suspected for years – besties who slay together stay together.
When thinking of the greatest fantasy TV shows of the past decade, your mind is likely to go one of two places: Game of Thrones and Outlander. These two incredible, thought-provoking shows of equal cultural impact have brought joy to the hearts of millions. Surely, you have experienced that same sudden rush of excitement when you hear the "Game of Thrones Main Title" (DA da DA DA da da) as you do with the "Skye Boat Song" (“sing me the song of a lad that is gone”).
Throughout our interview, Emma Rose Lipman only had a total of three vomiting episodes dispersed among a series of coughing attacks. She would go from wrapping herself with yet another blanket to taking of her three hoodies and fuzzy pink socks.
Fuck: Tampons - You literally won’t be able to walk for days afterwards.