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A wise man once said that no good decisions have been made past two in the morning. That man is clearly an idiot because a late-night stop at the McDonald's on 40th and Walnut can land you an order of McNuggets with pickles on top.
A video of Provost Vincent Price rapping at commencement last year has garnered some 66,000 views. Having a rapper as Provost has been great, and we don't want it to end when Price goes to Duke. So we reached out to the real Leo Charney, Executive Director of Communications at the Office of the Provost, to see if our next Provost will spit fire.
Is the failing Daily Pennsylvanian in such shambles that they only have one photo of Dean Eric Furda? It's certainly possible. Hell, let's just say that it's more than likely.
Yes, this actually happened. Last week, DP staffers were rather puzzled when perusing Google Analytics. At the time of this article, "Secret.google.com You are invited! Enter only with this ticket URL Copy it. Vote for Trump!" is not a language and raised general alarm in the DP newsroom.
Buying condoms can be intimidating. Buying condoms at Fresh Grocer can be a living hell. They keep them behind the counter with the cigarettes, requiring you to ask for them and specify the exact brand and weird lubricant type that you prefer. The results can be devastating as the person behind the counter will most likely cock an eyebrow as if to suggest that the probability of you getting laid is rather low. That being said, UTB is happy to provide a few strategies that can minimize the anguish of the experience.
Last Thursday, Under The Button published this piece regarding a Bee Movie/Amy Gutmann meme. At the time, we credited the Facebook page Penn For Dank Memes for bringing the meme to our attention. We did not know that we were making a such a journalistically irresponsible move.
What's asparagus's deal? What's going on?
After extending her term (reign) as Penn's president, Amy Gutmann is making "draining the swamp" a cornerstone of her policy moving forward. To accomplish this, she plans to drain the Bio Pond and fill it with Washington insiders.
As some of you memelords out there may already know, youtube memes centered around the groundbreaking, Academy Award-winning 2007 film, Bee Movie, have been appearing at an impressive rate. Jerry Seinfeld's classic animated film has been giving the meme economy the boost it needed and the NASDANQ is soaring.
Thanksgiving is a special time of the year, when the whole family can come together to disagree and yell over canned cranberry sauce and burnt brussels sprouts. To prepare you for the inevitable, we've assembled a few of the topics that are bound to cause tension at the dinner table.
As the political climate of the United States has become more polarizing and volatile, members on both the left and the right have become more extreme, including your roommate. You knew that he was pretty far left, but you never would have guessed that he would go full-on commie on you. The results of the election seemed to have been the push he needed to take up the sickle and hammer against capitalist society.
It's been a rough week or so. Make some brisket because you deserve it. Fair warning: this recipe calls for alcohol, so you better be 21+.
As you can see, Metropolitan Bakery & Cafe conducted a poll today that was free of any type of bias. The MBC is the new gold standard of polling, and current models heavily favor Hillary Clinton in today's election. The manager told us that MBC projects Clinton to earn 126% of the vote in all 50 states, US territories, and also Ontario.
Seriously, go fucking vote.
Much to the delight of East Coast natives and your dad, Bruce Springsteen will be tearing up the Bodek Lounge in Houston Hall later today in an attempt to draw support for Hillary Clinton. This very real concert is Clinton's way of reaching out to those hip, young millennial voters who just love vinyl and found their father's copy of The Wild, the Innocent, & the E Street Shuffle. In regards to Clinton, Springsteen has expressed about the same level of reluctant enthusiasm as everyone else, saying that "she ain't a beauty but, hey, she's alright".
UTB has been given the tip of a lifetime. Above is a 100% real and authentic email from Hillary Clinton to Penn President Amy Gutmann. The email confirms a lot of what we already know: Clinton is a Wall Street puppet who has been funding Beefsteak from the start. Clinton may also be responsible for the Penn-Princeton debacle, as well as the sporadic weather this month.
Forget Banana Leaf. This Thursday, shift your going out plans to the Philly GOP Cocktail Party with Rudy Giuliani. For just $150, you can drink the night away and get stop-and-frisky with the former mayor at Old City's classiest purveyor of libations, Dave & Buster's. For a small payment of $500, you can become a sponsor! The event didn't specify what that might entail but we assume that maybe for the extra $350 Giuliani will scream either "America," "islamic, extremist terrorism," or "under those eight years before Obama came along, we didn't have any successful radical Islamic terrorist attack in the United States," in your face. What a rush!
Butternut squash is unequivocally the best type of gourd.
It's Gourd Week, a special time on UTB where we will be educating the public on the important topics that will shape the future. This week, we will be focusing on gourds.
As many of you may know, everyone's favorite Democratic presidential nominee, Secretary Hillary Clinton, will be holding a rally at Penn Park tonight! Accompanying her is America's "cool" step-dad, who takes you out for ice cream after the big game cause you "tried your best, champ", Governor Tim Kaine. While it's cool as hell that Penn students and Philadelphians (and maybe some people from Jersey) will get to see the, most likely, next president of the United States, we're not quite sure why she chose to come here. . .