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It’s 4/20! Let the bells ring! Conveniently for all you potheads, Pennsylvania has just signed medical marijuana into law! Now, everyone and their cool, older sister will be clamoring to doctors to get one of those sweet MM cards. However, some patients might just be looking for the traditional route:
Hey all you Whartonites, aspiring economists, and people who are way into monetary functions! Ben Bernanke, former chairman of the Federal Reserve, is in town and will be giving a talk at Annenberg tonight! Unfortunately, some people don't feel the Bern(anke) and might disrupt the event, prompting a passive-aggresive email from Penn administration.
It's never a good time when you realize how high you were/are and have to apologize to other people. It's not somewhere you want to be, so we feel you Unnamed Professor.
Are you tired of getting fucked by SPEC's floor pass flash sales? Can't seem to get access to whoever is headlining fling? Well before you buy a floor pass from your stoner hall mate who is going to mark the price up 300%, buy from your friends here at UTB! SPEC has given us 12 floor passes that we must selflessly allocate to the greater commonwealth. However, we can't just give these things away so here the challenges that you must complete to earn the opportunity to purchase a floor pass for SPRING FLING!
Pre-heat your oven to 350° F (or approximately 176.667° C for our international homies) and generously season the Chuck with 1 teaspoon of salt and a 1/2 teaspoon of pepper, because it's time for a good, old-fashioned roast.
Here at UTB, we like to make value judgements in a "Pro/Con/Pro" format. However, today's topic was unanimously decided to be a net loss: hence, the "Pro/Con/Con." We asked ourselves, "Is it worth it to see Hoodie Allen in concert?" No. Certainly not. Then we asked, "Is it worth it to see Hoodie Allen ironically?"
UTB has received a tip from one of our many confidential informants that there has been a string of high-profile burglaries in the Quad. Now before you go locking your door and arming yourself with that cheap lamp you bought from Target, know that your personal belongs are safe. Your bathrooms and your quality time on the pot, on the other hand, couldn't be in more peril.
It's been a musical last couple of days at the good ole U of P. 3lau was announced as the Fling opener, Chance the Rapper (to some people's dismay) was revealed to be the Fling headliner, and, Saturday night, Hoodie Allen made an extended appearance at a Penn frat. As some may recall, Hoodie is a 2010 Wharton grad and was a member of the Greek Life community.
Every Penn student worth their salt knows that deadlines can be deadly. It's more than common that assignments submitted past their deadlines are counted as automatic zeroes, prompting the ritual pleading, crying, and carrying on of the lamenting freshman in Writing Sem. Apparently the same rules apply to state government!
It's a bleak time of year at Penn: midterm season. Before packing their bags for PV or any other spring break plans, many a weary Penn student must first endure the great pain and strife of the midterm. As this danger approaches, the student must decide where to study. One such locale may be the Harrison Sky Lounge. If this option is chosen, the student must embark on a great journey.
From Texas, the state that brought you Vanilla Ice, and Ted Cruz (The Zodiac Killer?), comes our new dean of the School of Design. Just a few days ago, our glorious leader Amy Gutmann announced that Frederick Steiner is locked and loaded to take the reigns this summer.
Start your vocal warm-ups, grab your Che Guevara t-shirt, and get ready to start the revolution because the hottest new protest has come to Penn with no signs or megaphones needed! Tonight, the Institute of Contemporary Art is hosting "Another Protest Song: Karaoke with a Message". That's right, now you can fight the powers that be the same way that you spend your drunken Thursday nights at Ken's Seafood: painfully stumbling through "Bohemian Rhapsody" or early 2000s Kanye.
Buzzfeed, the source of such intellectual content as "19 GIFs That Prove Beyoncé And Nicki Are #FriendshipGoals Defined", recently published a 5100+ word opus on Jara Krys, a transgender woman at Penn who is building a career as a high-profile sex worker. Legal questions aside, it is an interesting story. So interesting, in fact, that Buzzfeed published 5100+ words on it. Buzzfeed doesn't publish 5100+ words on anything!
Headline! Headline! There is an epidemic at Penn! An Empty Bed Epidemic!
This culinary masterpiece was spotted last week in the revered Hill Dining Hall. While at first glance it may appear to be a pair of severely infected Twinkies or radioactive cheesesteaks, it is actually some form of dessert, comprised of bananas and ladyfingers. Nothing caps off a well-rounded, satisfying meal quite like this fruity fiasco…except for maybe the subsequent trip to SHS.