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(04/16/21 6:06pm)
Exams are upon us, and students are stressed as usual. However, one generous professor, physicist Paul Heiney, won't let the end of the year kill his students. On Tuesday, Heiney announced he would be canceling the final exam. Students were shocked and immediately relieved, some crying tears of joy and others nearly going into cardiac arrest. Instead, students will be having a "midterm" that covers the course material for the entire year.
(04/16/21 6:07pm)
As the semester wraps up, students are rushing to turn in assignments and prepping for final papers and exams. Anthropology major, Max Turner (C 23), is no exception. One of his classes, ANTH 008, requires students to write 8/12 write-ups that are graded for completion. On Monday, Turner got a Canvas notification informing him that he had received no credit on his completed course write-up.
(04/01/21 9:55pm)
The COVID-19 pandemic has been catastrophic for local businesses. Many have closed their doors forever while others have turned to online shopping and/or OnlyFans to supplement their business' income. However, one local Philadelphia shop, The Pleasure Chest, located at 2039 Walnut St, hasn't let the pandemic affect their store.
(03/09/21 3:21pm)
Oops! Upon sitting down to write one of her four papers due this week English major Sarah Goldman C' 22 discovered some alarming medical news. "I was looking at the Canvas site to read the prompt and it was like all the words had been replaced by these weird little sqiggles," recounts Goldman.
(03/04/21 5:33pm)
Thus far in the semester, there have been 250 reports of people breaking the campus compact, but what they didn't tell you is that no less than 127 of these reports are for one kid, Kevin "Rex" Jones C '22. Born with a full set of teeth, Jones began his long history of delinquency by biting his sister within moments of his birth. Since then, Jones has been convicted of 2 accounts of arson, an assault, 3 bouts of breaking and entering, 4 public urination offenses, many speeding charges, 1 parking ticket, and 53 accounts of vandalism.
(02/25/21 5:58pm)
After months of hearing the news say "COVID bad," I think it's time for us to go back to normal life. I understand that people are sick and some are dying, but it's time for us to realize that this illness is a plague sent from the Lord designed to kill off the sinners and we should not interfere.
(02/16/21 2:22am)
Everyone on Twitter knows about the Penn student body's hatred for Penn. On any given day, one can search "p*nn" and come face to face with dozens of Tweets from current attendees bashing the school. Yet even with this widely available knowledge, for an unknown reason, high schoolers still think that Penn is cool and continue to apply. This year, Penn had its largest applicant pool yet forcing students to consider one key question: why?
(02/12/21 5:27pm)
Students were shocked when they received a University COVID update via text on Friday night. Upon checking their phones, students felt conflicted seeing that they had received a text from none other than Provost Wendell Pritchett. While some were honored to be graced with a message from the provost, others felt that a standard University email would have been a sufficient approach.
(02/05/21 5:00am)
Breaking: despite only having had four classes, sophomore English major Kya Jones is already two years behind on her readings. It all started on the first day of classes when Kya decided she was going to bed early instead of doing her readings. After drinks with friends followed by hours of scrolling through Tik Tok, Jones went to bed around 3:30 am.
(02/01/21 5:00am)
It's never easy living with a roommate. That's what sophomore Sarah Goldstein learned upon moving into the high rises with her best friend, Becky. Sarah and Becky get along pretty well, but now that they have a kitchen, Sarah has learned that Becky almost never does the dishes. "It sucks because Becky bakes a lot and never washes any of the dishes," explained Sarah.
(02/02/21 6:54pm)
After spending the fall semester at home, students returned to campus eager to have a somewhat "normal" spring experience. Little did they know just how normal it would be. Within minutes of setting foot on campus, students reported feeling sadness, anger, loss of interest and/or pleasure in most normal activities, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and slowed thinking.
(01/20/21 2:12am)
COVID-19 has shut down much of the country, but with the vaccine rolling out to health care workers and the most vulnerable members of our community, Penn has decided to reopen campus this semester. "We have the best testing around," responded Gutmann when asked how the school plans to limit the virus. "We have plenty of tests — enough for everyone!" she lied.
(12/15/20 4:15pm)
Advanced registration has ended and students got their first look at their spring semester schedules a few days ago. While some students were disappointed, others were lucky and got into all of their classes. One student, physics major Maya Patel C '23, was one of the lucky ones. "As I looked at my schedule, I couldn't believe I got into all of my classes! I mean, I know they're all completely asynchronous, but still," she reported.
(12/10/20 5:40pm)
Hello procrastinators!
(11/30/20 6:17am)
There's no doubt that Thanksgiving looked a little different for most people this year. Some decided not to travel for Thanksgiving and others were explicitly told they were not allowed to invite friends and family into their private homes due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Still, some others, like Wharton Sophomore, Sarah Brown, dared to travel in order to spend Thanksgiving with family.
(12/02/20 10:09am)
Finally, Penn's least loved and only unairconditioned dorm, Gregory College House, has been promised air conditioning with an installation date set for 2087. Gregory had been promised that air conditioning would be installed over the summer of 2020, but upon thinking it over, the Board of Trustees thought the better of the decision.
(11/23/20 4:45am)
Let freedom ring! After years of emails emphasizing Penn's "commitment to justice," the University has finally achieved equality for all! What changed? Simple. On November 10th, the student body was informed that "Brick House," a new statue celebrating Black womanhood, had been erected on the corner of 34th and Walnut.
(11/23/20 4:43am)
I know life is crazy with the election and everything but an actual real-life national tragedy has occurred, and nobody is paying attention to it. That's right. My sister ate the sandwich that I specifically put my name on. I made the sandwich myself yesterday. It had mayo, ham, cheese, and lettuce.
(11/09/20 7:22am)
As part of Penn's new super-well-thought-through plan, we were informed that more students would be allowed to live on campus this spring than were on campus this fall. However, just how many students would be allowed back to campus was not specified. In an exclusive interview with Penn president, Amy Gutmann, UTB got the inside scoop of these numbers.
(10/28/20 9:46am)
We all know someone who is seemingly not as invested in politics as the rest of us. Maybe you tried to talk about the debate and they, fidgeting and uncomfortable responded, "What debate?" You can't help but think: is it REALLY possible that someone can be so apolitical? The answer is no, your "apolitical" friend is really just a Trump supporter.