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In a rare feat of investigative journalism, UTB managed to unearth exclusive information about President Elizabeth Magill’s musings on worldly topics. One thing led to another, and she eventually divulged her identity as not only Penn’s first Gen X president, but also the first synesthete to hold the esteemed position.
In the wise words of John Green (he/him), “I don’t know who’s driving this ship of Theseus.”
Some nights, before going to bed, a strange figure appears to me in the mirror of the Harnwell College House high-rise dorm I brush my teeth in front of. He’s like me, only shorter (in height and hair length). His face is round, the kind of round that your aunt’s ballet friends would probably comment on in a fatphobic way in the summer of 2012. It’s me, my inner child!
God, this girl is so rogue. Basically, you’re sitting in your recitation group for your ancient greek history class, and the girl across the table from you says, “it’s giving boring.” Holy shit. She is so funny. How am I such a fool to not think to string together such words myself. Her parents are Republicans but she is bisexual. That is really cool. You open Instagram and see her Parade ads. It’s so cool that she’s an influencer.
Merry Christmas!
It was a day like any other in Professor Nina Strohminger’s Wharton classroom (*WARNING* the author of this article goes to the less important school at Penn and is making conjectures about what a Wharton classroom is like), virtual, that is. Students donned in Lululemon and Canada Goose opened their Excel-doing, high-speed laptops for a riveting lecture about holding hands and coloring inside the lines, and maybe some business ethics.