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It has been a week since I’ve logged onto Path@Penn, and I have not gotten out since. A week ago, all I wanted to do was see if a class could fit into my schedule. Indeed it did, and I registered for the class. But that was when my problems started. Now, a week later, I am still trapped inside the never ending recursive, side-sliding windows of Path@Penn.
With halal prices now at $10, boomers have come out in force to make young Penn students keenly aware that the price used to be $5.
Why do we need a holiday to celebrate fear when, all year round, we are already constantly living in fear?
As I walk down Locust Walk, pretending I’m going to class, I see that there are multiple groups of what seems to be families touring campus. I make eye contact with a middle-aged asian couple, and their faithful son, presumably a high school junior. The parents' eyes and faces are expressionless, but I know what they are thinking: “if this bland Chinese boy can get into this school, then so can our son. He has no excuse.”
Now that the seasons have changed and your socks are wet because of the weather, not because of your own sweat and tears, you may be wondering how you can dry your soppy socks after a dreadful trundle down Locust Walk.
Now that we are all away from home, our Asian parents can no longer express their repressed love for us by bringing us a plate cut fruit after a lengthy and heated argument about affirmative action. Locust fruit man is the closest I can get to that now, and as far as I know, I am unsure of his thoughts on affirmative action.
Due to increasing numbers of students becoming lost and trapped inside the endless recursive windows of Path@Penn, the university announced that it will provide all students with maps and compasses to make navigation of Path@Penn easier.
Hi freshmen. As you are trundling about New Student Orientation, meeting new friends, classmates, and prospective business partners, you may feel the urge to compare family incomes. Contrary to 19th-century thought, your parents’ income is no longer a personality trait, virtue, or attraction.
In an effort to alleviate the growing humanitarian crisis in Ukraine, the University of Pennsylvania has decided to send all unused meal swipes to Ukraine in the form of soggy pizza, moldy strawberries, and overcooked meat.
After a long day of bottomless coffee, homework, and professors sounding like tired and deflated trombones, I realize that I no longer have any food in my refrigerator. This is unfortunate because without food, I won’t have the energy to do the same shit again the next day.
After half an hour of painful integration by parts and partial fraction decomposition, you have finally arrived at a solution for the monstrosity of an equation you were provided.
After countless sessions of socializing with depressed, unhappy, and washed out Penn students, Penn therapy dogs have begun to show signs of PTSD.
Note that while you are in college, you have access to the largest dating pool that you’ll probably ever have in your life. As such it is absolutely imperative that you employ the best suited search algorithm for your needs. In this article, we’ll investigate the pros and cons of breadth-first search versus depth-first search in application to your dating life.
In the expansive world of fluid dynamics, fluid flow can occasionally be idealized by Bernoulli's Equation, which statesp + 0.5(ρV^2) + ρgh must be constant along a streamline, where p is pressure, ρ is the density, V is the flow velocity, g is the acceleration due to gravity, and h is height. However, this equation can also be used to generalize the ideal boyfriend. In order for a flow to be idealized by the equation, the flow must be:
Are you tired of the typical boring Penn Campus smells? For instance, during math lecture, the smell of the hair of the guy in front of you is just so overpowering; it reeks of fratty sexual assaults. Or, are you tired of the musty smell of your Quad room, where the ceiling could cave in at any moment due to the happy little colonies of mold slowly consuming the ceiling like how time slowly consumes your life?
After submitting his resume to companies where he hopes to sell his soul, Wharton Junior, Pret Entious, realized that he had misspelled “University of Pennsylvania” as “University of Pennslynavia”.
Freshman architecture student Aussie Chan was found dead in a classroom of The Weitzman School Of Design last Wednesday morning. The cause of death was later identified as blunt force trauma to the top of the head. Strangely, he was also found with semi-hardened super-glue on his shoes.
I took the pan filled with lasagna goodness out of the oven with rags draped over the handles. But the damn rag was too damn thin, and my fingers started to feel hot. And then very hot. And then I screamed and yelped and swore and pushed the pan away from me. It hit the counter, making a thonking sound like a cranium on a table. Then it slid across the counter slotted perfectly in the gap between the wall and the refrigerator. The lasagna slid slowly down the gap, spreading its gooey goodness all over the wall, until it finally slid to the bottom and rested on top of its compatriot that I had dropped in the same manner the week before.
To ensure that people are safe at work, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration regulates the height of the guardrails on elevated walking surfaces. As I was walking by the staircase in Fisher-Bennett Hall, I noticed that the balconies seemed strangely short. Curious, I measured the height and found them to be about 33.5 inches.
Now that most classes and social interactions are taking place in person, students have found it difficult to readjust into environments where people can hear them.