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Help! I'm Trapped in the Recursive Windows of Path@Penn!

(08/31/23 7:49pm)

 It has been a week since I’ve logged onto Path@Penn, and I have not gotten out since. A week ago, all I wanted to do was see if a class could fit into my schedule. Indeed it did, and I registered for the class. But that was when my problems started. Now, a week later, I am still  trapped inside the never ending recursive, side-sliding windows of Path@Penn. 

I Seek Personal Validation by Making Eye Contact with Asian Parents Touring Campus

(10/10/22 1:21pm)

As I walk down Locust Walk, pretending I’m going to class, I see that there are multiple groups of what seems to be families touring campus. I make eye contact with a middle-aged asian couple, and their faithful son, presumably a high school junior. The parents' eyes and faces are expressionless, but I know what they are thinking: “if this bland Chinese boy can get into this school, then so can our son. He has no excuse.”

Romantic Dating With Breadth vs Depth-First Search Algorithms

(02/03/22 2:00pm)

Note that while you are in college, you have access to the largest dating pool that you’ll probably ever have in your life. As such it is absolutely imperative that you employ the best suited search algorithm for your needs. In this article, we’ll investigate the pros and cons of breadth-first search versus depth-first search in application to your dating life.

Steady, Incompressible, Non-Viscous: Your Ideal Boyfriend, or Bernoulli’s Equation for Fluid Dynamics?

(01/31/22 4:11pm)

In the expansive world of fluid dynamics, fluid flow can occasionally be idealized by Bernoulli's Equation, which statesp + 0.5(ρV^2) + ρgh must be constant along a streamline, where p is pressure, ρ is the density, V is the flow velocity, g is the acceleration due to gravity, and h is height. However, this equation can also be used to generalize the ideal boyfriend. In order for a flow to be idealized by the equation, the flow must be:

Tired Of Boring Campus Scents? Discover New Smells With SEPTA

(01/28/22 6:15pm)

 Are you tired of the typical boring Penn Campus smells? For instance, during math lecture, the smell of the hair of the guy in front of you is just so overpowering; it reeks of fratty sexual assaults. Or, are you tired of the musty smell of your Quad room, where the ceiling could cave in at any moment due to the happy little colonies of mold slowly consuming the ceiling like how time slowly consumes your life?

FUCK! Not Again! I Dropped Another Fully-Cooked Lasagna Behind the Fridge

(09/22/21 7:04pm)

I took the pan filled with lasagna goodness out of the oven with rags draped over the handles. But the damn rag was too damn thin, and my fingers started to feel hot. And then very hot. And then I screamed and yelped and swore and pushed the pan away from me. It hit the counter, making a thonking sound like a cranium on a table. Then it slid across the counter slotted perfectly in the gap between the wall and the refrigerator. The lasagna slid slowly down the gap, spreading its gooey goodness all over the wall, until it finally slid to the bottom and rested on top of its compatriot that I had dropped in the same manner the week before. 

Penn, Do Better: Fisher-Bennett East Stairs Violate OSHA 1910.29(b)(1)

(09/13/21 3:08am)

To ensure that people are safe at work, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration regulates the height of the guardrails on elevated walking surfaces. As I was walking by the staircase in Fisher-Bennett Hall, I noticed that the balconies seemed strangely short. Curious, I measured the height and found them to be about 33.5 inches.