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Freshman architecture student Aussie Chan was found dead in a classroom of The Weitzman School Of Design last Wednesday morning. The cause of death was later identified as blunt force trauma to the top of the head. Strangely, he was also found with semi-hardened super-glue on his shoes.
I took the pan filled with lasagna goodness out of the oven with rags draped over the handles. But the damn rag was too damn thin, and my fingers started to feel hot. And then very hot. And then I screamed and yelped and swore and pushed the pan away from me. It hit the counter, making a thonking sound like a cranium on a table. Then it slid across the counter slotted perfectly in the gap between the wall and the refrigerator. The lasagna slid slowly down the gap, spreading its gooey goodness all over the wall, until it finally slid to the bottom and rested on top of its compatriot that I had dropped in the same manner the week before.
To ensure that people are safe at work, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration regulates the height of the guardrails on elevated walking surfaces. As I was walking by the staircase in Fisher-Bennett Hall, I noticed that the balconies seemed strangely short. Curious, I measured the height and found them to be about 33.5 inches.
Now that most classes and social interactions are taking place in person, students have found it difficult to readjust into environments where people can hear them.
With the semester almost over, Penn students are on the final sprint to send out as many applications as possible to try to net a summer internship. From big-name companies like McKinsey and Tesla, down to random unknown start-ups, Penn students are desperate to get mentally and physically exploited for low pay and experience.
It's common knowledge that nobody understands engineers, not even engineers. They are emotionless, rigid, and only think in terms of numbers and esoteric jargon. But don't fear! UTB has compiled a list of phrases that are GUARANTEED to turn on your engineer love interest.
With the impending opening of New College House West, Penn Residential Services has decided to rename the Quad to “Prehistoric College House South.”
First you stay here for spring break and labor tirelessly studying for your fifty-four midterms next week. Then you stay here for the summer, slaving away in some obscure lab researching things you don’t understand. And then after that, you think you are free as you walk across the stage and they hand you a shiny piece of paper.
The brothers of Delta Upsilon Mu (DUM) have issued an apology over their massive house party last weekend which involved over 400 Penn students.
Keen-eyed passerbyers will note that the McDonald’s on Walnut and 40th always has its American flag at half mast. Symbolically, flags flying at half-mast usually signify some sort of grieving, so this begs the question, what is McDonald’s constantly grieving about?
Penn recently announced that it would force sophomores in the 2021-2022 school year to purchase meal plans. Generally, this decision has angered many sophomores, calling it a “blatant cash grab”. However, before we judge the school for grabbing money from children, we must understand the university’s motives.
With the pandemic raging across campus and spreading faster than AIDS at a fraternity party, here are some UTB approved suggestions that will protect you from the germs on elevator buttons.
Freshman Po Thead (C '24), a self-proclaimed connoisseur of cannabis, is excited that Pot Truck will be reopening.
After long lines and delays for COVID-19 testing, Penn has announced a new plan to fast-track testing for all students. The new procedure encourages couples who are dating to share the same spit tube.
Instead of focusing on lectures, I have decided to focus on atrocious floor tiles in my high rise room. After staring at the floor during my lecture, I have concluded that there are 1283 smears on the floor.
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