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After losing his favorite pair of Wonder Woman socks when an inpatient devil took his laundry out of the machine for him, Engineering freshman Kevin Allister has taken to extreme measures to protect the rest of his Wonder Woman clothing merchandise.
After a huge oil deposit was found underneath Hill College House, Penn has decided to demolish the building in order to start drilling.
With the weather getting colder and colder, it is essential to keep your extremities warm, especially those that can pass your genes.
College freshman Holden Cawfeld woke up naked in someone else’s bed, spooning someone he didn’t know. His head was spinning from a blistering hangover. He did not remember anything that had happened last night and could only infer from his present situation that he had hooked up with someone the night before.
In fear of sharing space or having an awkward conversation in the Harnwell elevator, Wharton sophomore Entri Vert has resorted to jumping down the trash chute.
Nothing turns Jack Goff (C ’15) on like the 90s-to-early-2000s-looking user interface of PennInTouch. Not to mention the frequent time-out warnings, blocky buttons, and the fact that the course search and mock schedule are two different pages.
The otherwise abandoned hall lounge has a hint of human life at 2 A.M. Tired, lonely students in their pajamas and slippers laze on the wooden chairs and stare groggily at their laptops. At a rate that almost resembles paranoia, they constantly check their text messages.
In an attempt to cut costs, Penn will be dissolving all undergraduate classes offered by Penn Chemistry and replacing the courses with Khan Academy. Current and incoming Penn students will no longer be required to take chemistry courses. Despite the removal of chemistry courses, Penn will still require students who need chemistry credit for their majors to fulfill the chemistry requirements. Thus, Penn will require credit-seeking students to take a cumulative chemistry credit exam at the end of each semester. To aid students in preparation for the test, the Penn Chemistry website now redirects to Khan Academy.
From the hallway, you could hear cries of fear and anguish. Sitting on the toilet in a stuffy dorm bathroom, College freshman Thomas Kraper had just finished his morning defecation. To his dismay, the large roll of industrial toilet paper had not yet been started. A nervous sweat broke on his palms and brow. In college, one can no longer expect the luxury of easily-startable toilet paper like one would at home.
In an effort to squeeze a social life into the Penn academic schedule, students have begun to reserve group study rooms just to study individually together.
For the past few weeks, Penn’s female students have gone on party strike and boycotted all parties, on and off-campus.
In an effort to reduce glacial lines and overcrowding at Hill Dining Hall, Penn Dining will open a food truck on the Hill lawn.
In an expected move to cut costs, Penn will be partnering with Amazon to construct New College West. The new dorm building, which will be designed by famed 6-year-old architect Calvin and his associate Hobbes, will be built using materials supplied by Amazon@Penn. For instance, walls and structural elements will be constructed with cardboard and fastened with postage tape; recycling bins will be used as toilets.
To lift his low self-worth and self-image, Wharton freshman Lowe Istem has decided to start dropping his voice into a lower register as he speaks, in a move colloquially known as vocal frying.