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Hysteria in Bathroom: Freshman Can’t Find Start of Toilet Paper

(10/24/19 6:20pm)

From the hallway, you could hear cries of fear and anguish. Sitting on the toilet in a stuffy dorm bathroom, College freshman Thomas Kraper had just finished his morning defecation. To his dismay, the large roll of industrial toilet paper had not yet been started. A nervous sweat broke on his palms and brow. In college, one can no longer expect the luxury of easily-startable toilet paper like one would at home. 

New College House West to Be Built out of Cardboard

(10/09/19 6:35pm)

In an expected move to cut costs, Penn will be partnering with Amazon to construct New College West. The new dorm building, which will be designed by famed 6-year-old architect Calvin and his associate Hobbes, will be built using materials supplied by Amazon@Penn. For instance, walls and structural elements will be constructed with cardboard and fastened with postage tape; recycling bins will be used as toilets.