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Penn Chemistry Encourages Students to Nap Elsewhere by Cancelling Classes

(10/26/19 5:18pm)

In an attempt to cut costs, Penn will be dissolving all undergraduate classes offered by Penn Chemistry and replacing the courses with Khan Academy. Current and incoming Penn students will no longer be required to take chemistry courses. Despite the removal of chemistry courses, Penn will still require students who need chemistry credit for their majors to fulfill the chemistry requirements. Thus, Penn will require credit-seeking students to take a cumulative chemistry credit exam at the end of each semester. To aid students in preparation for the test, the Penn Chemistry website now redirects to Khan Academy. 

Hysteria in Bathroom: Freshman Can’t Find Start of Toilet Paper

(10/24/19 6:20pm)

From the hallway, you could hear cries of fear and anguish. Sitting on the toilet in a stuffy dorm bathroom, College freshman Thomas Kraper had just finished his morning defecation. To his dismay, the large roll of industrial toilet paper had not yet been started. A nervous sweat broke on his palms and brow. In college, one can no longer expect the luxury of easily-startable toilet paper like one would at home. 

New College House West to Be Built out of Cardboard

(10/09/19 6:35pm)

In an expected move to cut costs, Penn will be partnering with Amazon to construct New College West. The new dorm building, which will be designed by famed 6-year-old architect Calvin and his associate Hobbes, will be built using materials supplied by Amazon@Penn. For instance, walls and structural elements will be constructed with cardboard and fastened with postage tape; recycling bins will be used as toilets.