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As we all already know, COVID-19 is traveling quickly from country to country. We know from the examples of various countries throughout the world that, if governments fail to act quickly, the virus will spread and their people will suffer.
Penn has now gone completely online due to the outbreak of COVID-19, or "coronavirus." Many "doctors" and "scientists" are saying that this epidemic is unprecedented. What they don't know is that, as Philly residents, we have already lived through one epidemic this school year: the spotted lanternfly epidemic of 2019.
As your youth pastor would say, “It’s lent szn, boiz!” Since we can’t all go into the desert and fast for 40 days as Jesus did, Big Papi Francis has released a more reasonable list of things to give up — including internet trolling and gossip. “I heard that anyone who doesn’t give up gossiping is going to get coronavirus, on God,” said Francis in a tweet Monday morning.
The recent outbreak of COVID-19 or “coronavirus” has led many to ask, “What the hell, God?” Jared Richie, Fortnite master and UTB’s resident 14-year-old boy, has no such questions.
It was 9 a.m. when Karen floated into her TA Ryan's office hours. He had assigned three problem sets this week, including one that was on next week's lecture materials. So Karen wandered aimlessly into the DRL classroom, the weight of the world on her shoulders. She sat down with raspy breaths. It took her a moment to gather her thoughts. Finally, she said, "Hello. I have. Some questions. For you." Deep inhalations filled the gaps in her speech. It was only one moment later that that the magic words flew from her TA's lips.
Omg hey! You! You're in geology with me, ol' buddy! You know what is so crazy is that I just finished the homework by myself and I was wondering if maybe, if you wanted, you could tell me what the answers are and then I could tell you what answers I got!
Sender: The Center for Undergraduate Centers on Global Initiatives
One recent study conducted by the University concluded that it is indeed sniffing szn, bois. Sick students everywhere are saying, “COUGHHH COUGCCougcuoguhghGHCOUGH.” Healthy students everywhere are saying, "oh HEyyyyll no." While healthy students avoiding sickness usually resort to passive measures such as mask-wearing and hermitage-seeking, one healthy sophomore Larissa Jacobs is taking a more aggressive approach. She has taken it upon herself to wield a hand sanitizer squirt gun. Said Larissa, “I swear anyone who coughs anywhere near me is getting an immediate, lifetime dose of green apple hand sanitizer straight to the mouth.”
Around 2:00 a.m., after a long night of mixers, one bumbling Daniel Monroe (C '21) decided to heat himself up a juicy pack of shrimp ramen noodles. He ripped off the packaging on the styrofoam cup, read the instructions, immediately forgot them, and threw them away. After approximately preparing the noodles, Daniel placed them in the microwave. The rest is history.
Hey! I've been meaning to ask you, do you happen to have a cigarette? Do You Have a Cigarette, I said. Does anyone happen to have a cigarette? Does anyone have a cigarette UTB can borrow? For academic purposes?
It was a normal Wednesday morning in bio lecture when Jessica Bowen (C '21) pulled out her ziplock bag of baby carrots. To avoid interrupting the professor's thrilling hour and a half-long lecture on recombinant DNA, Jessica slid her thumbnail along the plastic seam of the bag. Slowly but surely, she reached her pointer and middle in, pulled out a small, polite looking carrot, and raised it to her outstretched teeth.
Hello again. Sorry for ghosting you for a month. I really thought you would forget I exist, but I guess we have Stats together… and Econ… and Intro to Geology. Anyways I would stop going to those classes completely because I hate them, but there’s this super hot girl who I honestly might need as a rebound after we — oh yeah by the way, can we talk?
With the Iowa caucuses in full swing today, Penn Dems has been hard at work. Between canvassing, registering voters, and getting positively trashed to cope with the fact that Mike Bloomberg is actually gaining traction, my fellow Dems and I have no time to sleep. That is why we have taken the time to record our most skilled phone bankers in the act.
Walking to class Thursday morning, Jessica saw Bethany for the first time this year. The two girls were walking on Locust when they made eye contact, lost eye contact, and then accidentally made eye contact again. Sources say the two girls, previously donning a Penn face apiece, perked up like freshly wound automatons. Needless to say, ecstatic small talk ensued.
It was a rainy, romantic Sunday morning. The exchange student François thought he was hungry, so he went to grab some yogurt at the most cultured supermarket his high-class mind could conjure: Di Bruno Bros. (Yeah, I bet you’ve never heard of it. Look it up, peasant).
Dear Professor,
Finals are finally in full swing at the University of Pennsylvania. Most students bond over the shared experience of hating everything for two straight weeks. However, in a breaking new report, it has been uncovered that one annoying, stupid, bitch-ass friend is "actually completely done with finals already."
Students living on campus near the construction site of New College House West say they are b̶̬̍ẽ̸̻ in g̸̖̈́ ̴̝̂ș̴̾h̷͍͝a̷̼͊k̵̖͗ĕ̷̡n̷̻̎ ̶̤͘a̶̰͝w̴̙̑a̵͎̔k̸̭̊e̷̻̔ ̵̤̓f̵̮͝r̸̟̕o̸̩̅m̴͓̃ their beds in the morning ̴̖̀a̶̹͒n̴̹̑d̸̘̒ ̶̗̚d̴̤̒i̷̧̎s̸̾͜ṛ̶͆ü̶̠p̵̬̍t̵̜̚e̷͜͠d̶̗͗ ̷̠̌b̵̮̊ÿ̵̥́ ̸͍͐t̸̤͊h̵͖̔ë̶̤́ ̵͕̏l̵͔̕ȏ̶̠ŭ̶͖d̴̖͋ ̷̥̉n̴̘͗o̸̫̽i̴̛͕s̴̳̓e̵̳̅s̵͗ͅ. :)
This week, it has been confirmed by scientists at the world-renowned “Grammarly dot com” (no relation) that Sarah is, in fact, better than 99% of people. That’s right, Sarah used more words last week than 99% of Grammarly users.
Mental health is a stigmatized issue for many students at Penn. Because student mental wellness is of the utmost importance to Penn, the University has chosen to invest 1.5 hundred dollars in a state-of-the-art swing set, bought secondhand from a nearby elementary school.