Search Results
Below are your search results. You can also try a Basic Search.
(11/22/19 2:02pm)
A recent study by the University of Pennsylvania has shown that the most successful people in the world begin their day by opening their email, selecting every newsletter, and marking all as read. This monumental finding has caused major waves throughout academia. While this study can be assumed to have included successful people such as Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, and Eric Tse, we are certain it included mere mortals as well.
(11/16/19 5:01pm)
How should a Penn freshman use LinkedIn? The answer: they should not. Do not, under any circumstances, use LinkedIn.
(11/14/19 4:02pm)
Your TA Greg went to Harvard. He has a PhD in something you can’t pronounce. And yet, every semester he is forced to babysit the entire baseball team for one hour a week. While your TA Greg is paid enough to sustain his body during this hour, he is not paid enough to sustain his soul.
(11/10/19 4:33pm)
In any sort of relationship, communication is key. This is why Jessica chose to look passive-aggressively under the table one fine Friday morning in recitation last week.
(11/04/19 8:00pm)
The Daily Pennsylvanian recently received several college journalism accolades. These awards included the prestigious Pacemaker Award, commonly referred to as the “Pulitzer Prize of college journalism." While this achievement would be amazing on its own, it is especially so considering the existence of Under the Button.
(11/05/19 4:03pm)
A recent study by the University of Pennsylvania found that 100% of CIS majors at Penn experience self-doubt, and some straight-up depression. But why?
(10/31/19 7:42pm)
Spotted lanternflies. They are invasive. We all agree that anyone who hasn’t smashed at least 10,000 of those nasty little fucks by now hates the environment, the University of Pennsylvania, and these good United States of America. Perhaps that is why College sophomore Becka Shultz has decided to dress as a spotted lanternfly this Halloween.
(10/29/19 2:00pm)
Goddamn! Bethany, an engineering Freshman, is so good at interior design that she decided to put up string lights on the wall of her otherwise barren dorm room so she could hang up pictures of her friends with tiny clothespins. “CIS 120 is my first engineering class, but I think if I don’t get an A I’ll just change my major to interior design," Bethany said. "I’m not sure if we have that major at Penn, but neither are you, right? If I told my parents confidently enough, they would think that was totally a major at Penn.”
(10/27/19 6:20pm)
The presidential race? It is happening. Debates? They are happening. Everyone knows these things. But did you know that Under the Button received backstage passes to the last CNN democratic debate? No. You did not know this. You did not know this because it is not true.
(10/22/19 4:35pm)
“Hello, children. Tis I, Your Most Honourable President Amathy ‘Amy’ Gutmann. I am here to announce that, believe it or not, one day I will die. Not a physical death, like that of the common folk, but a spiritual death wherein I will retreat to the woods for one human lifetime before reemerging as a child to continue my everlasting life. At that time, I will require an heir to my honorable throne. The question remains: will that heir be you?” On behalf of the University of Pennsylvania, UTB would like to cordially extend the application to inherit the position of Dr. Amy Gutmann.
(10/21/19 1:44pm)
Every single day, nearly 74 million American children suffer from puberty. While there has been no progress towards a cure for this horrible disease, medical professionals including Nick Kroll have developed a groundbreaking Netflix original series to record the suffering. They’re calling it “Big Mouth.”
(10/16/19 2:30pm)
With fall’s open-hazing winding down, winter’s “formal” hazing is on its way. In preparation for this monumental opportunity in every freshman’s life, we at UTB encourage each smol bean to learn the ropes of Penn’s Hellenic system.
(10/07/19 7:43am)
When new Beta Beta Beta recruit Kevin Staleman (C '20) was asked if he liked his new living situation, he let UTB know he was “perfectly at home.” Staleman informed UTB, “Yea, dudes. I’m just runnin' those laps and drinkin' that piss, you know how it is!”
(10/10/19 6:19pm)
Karen Joseph (C '21) lives on the 24th floor of Harrison College House. On any other Monday morning, she would have reached menopause before getting to the Harrison lobby, but, for reasons somehow still undisclosed by the University, no one else was on their way to class.
(09/19/19 12:47pm)
After a significant wave of childhood deaths related to their use, President Trump has finally issued a ban on the sale and use of metal cages.
(09/16/19 3:02pm)
Name: Eleanor Stalick
(09/13/19 12:07pm)
If you’ve ever been in one of the high rises, you know there’s no service on the elevators. In addition to there being no service on this particular elevator, there are also no other people. Sources say it’s just me and this bitch. She’s literally looking at the home screen. What — am I not cool enough for you?
(09/10/19 12:25pm)
After a considerable donation from the twin brothers Alan and Luke Gregory-West, Amy Gutmann finally announced plans for their namesake college house earlier this week. The house is set to be finished two weeks ago, as it is simply a storage container in the Class of 25 alleyway, possibly leftover from move-in.
(09/08/19 3:18pm)
Imagine if every one of your professors canceled their syllabus days and ice-breaker intros. Imagine an email saying, “be free, my child. Take these two weeks of school for yourself. Use them wisely.” That is definitely not what happened to sophomore engineer Allen Burton, who has yet to register for any fall courses.
(08/02/19 1:31pm)
Many of those in the furry community were thrilled to learn that the flagship furry stage musical Cats was being made into a major motion picture. With artistic contributions from big names like Andrew Lloyd Webber, T.S. Elliot, Andy Blankenbuehler, and Tom Hooper, the community was thrilled… until they saw the cast.