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If there is one thing a freshman at Penn should know, it’s that Penn students are dirty as hell. And not dirty in the Dirty Dancing sort of way. Just regular stank—dirty. In my freshman year at Penn, my class was exposed to mold, mumps, and hand foot and mouth (literal poopy baby disease).
So Tiffany's babe, her honey, her baby boi Braden went out and cheated last week. Again. At this point, you might wonder what goes through his head when he does these things. As hard as it might be to believe, the answer is nothing. Nothing goes through Braden’s head. In fact, he forgot all about Tiffany's existence the moment she walked out of the room.
Dear whoever clicked on this article,
Last night marked the kick off of the debate cycle for the 2020 presidential election. Over 20 candidates are currently running for office on the Democratic side, including Senator Elizabeth Warren, Joe Biden, the one the kids call "Booty," Bernie Sanders, Kernel Sanders, your neighbor's runaway labrador retriever, the center console from a Tesla Model 3, a lobster clenching an American flag in his rubber banded claw, the hive mind from Codename Kids Next Door, a lost left sock, and Jeff from writing sem.
Early last week, the Penn Museum relocated their 12.5 ton Sphinx statue for the first time in 93 years. The high tech move from the lower Egypt exhibit to the main entrance of the museum took a team of half a dozen people three days to complete. The event drew extensive press attention, not to mention a crowd of 100 people, 93 of whom were sad, procrastinating medical students looking through windows from the hospital across the street.
So you made it into Penn, the Ivy League institution of your dreams. You’re double majoring with a minor and you’re the head of four different clubs on campus. You’re starting your own business and you’re in peak physical shape. Your family is proud of you, your peers look up to you, and your professors take note of your hard work and dedication.
Let’s face it, millennials will eat anything if society tells them to. First it was the cinnamon challenge, then it was tide pods, then it was microgreens. (Apologies to whoever hadn’t realized that microgreens are actually just price-hiked grass from their dad’s old lawn mower.)
Have you ever cared about James Charles before? Have you ever even heard of Tati Westbrook? No? Then boy have I go news for you! Turns out, they are celebrities! Believe it or not, they have power to abuse and vitamins to sell. Better yet, fate would have it that you, a person who previously didn't care or know about the relationship between these two people, you are the perfect person to evaluate their personal drama and judge their decisions!
Some guys may whine that they hit peak physical shape in college, but Braden is not like other guys. Braden will have you know that he hit peak physical shape in middle school.
Pete Buttigieg seems like a pretty great presidential candidate. He studied at Harvard and Oxford. Nothing compared to Penn, but nothing to be ashamed of. He speaks 8 languages, plays solo piano and guitar, and he’s openly gay. After all of his endeavors, he returned to his hometown to become mayor. What a down-to-earth guy. Supporters and critics alike are saying, “Haha... Booty.”
This year, Wharton freshman Jeremy Todd’s first true love burned fast and hot. “At the beginning of the year, I would visit four or five times a day. But I guess it was unsustainable.” We are talking, of course, about Todd’s mandatory freshman year dining plan.
Wharton freshman Angela Oaks didn’t find a summer internship in time for summer, so her parents have agreed to put her up for adoption.
Nursing freshman Bethany Christianson uses notecards for everything, but yesterday witnesses reported something strange. At around 3:40 a.m. they witnessed Christianson, highlighters sprawled across an entire table of the Hill study lounge, scribbling away on a single notecard labeled “S LE eP ?”
A while ago, eight different telescopes across the globe synchronized to capture the first-ever image of a black hole. The photographs of the Messier 87 black hole means a whole lot for astronomy, but what does it mean for me, as a Sagittarius?
Late last Friday night, Jessica was alone her dorm (again). And yep — you guessed it — she got a hold of the scissors. “I liked her better before, but I still didn’t really like her that much," stated one of Jessica’s suitemates in an interview. Another suitemate remarked, “It looks so cute!,” while a third merely said, “My dishes in the sink are hairy now.”
A full-time course load at Penn is three credits per semester but, to be fair, pretty much everyone takes at least four. Tuition and fees at Penn are around 80,000 dollars. In the College, most students are required to take four semesters of a language.
In about a month, classes will cease. In those final few weeks of class, the great migration will commence. Penn students will, one by one, flock to summer jobs in New York and D.C.. In the fall, the students will return home to Penn. The confidence of extra padding built upon their resumes will help them get through the emotional turmoil of staying up late and failing classes. This is the simple truth.
The grades for the second midterm were just released, and you know the service dog in your lecture got a higher score than you. Sure, we all know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others at such a competitive school, but what’s the fun in that? Here is a side by side comparison of you and the service dog from lecture.
There sat College of Arts and Sciences senior, Jessica Strong in the front row of her Calc II lecture. Equipped with seven different highlighters, a multi-pen, two erasers, and a fleeting hope for success, she scribbled vigorously, but her professor had no mercy.
Penn researchers have found that a harsh 92 percent of Penn's greenhouse gas emissions are linked to Frontera consumption. In a statement, president Amy Gutmann announced that “it is our environmental responsibility to cut these emissions if we have any hope of compensating for our investments in fossil fuels.”