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On Tuesday night, Youtube commenter YungWiz69 sat listlessly at his computer and tried to think of what to comment on Katy Perry’s official music video for 2010 hit “Firework". How did he feel? Like a plastic bag.
Nick Okrent is it? Imma just call you Nick. It can be our little nickname ;). Oh, how wrong I was about you.
Connor Doyle (C ‘20) could always spell a lot of words. He could spell big words and small words alike. But ‘physiological’ always evaded him.
In what can only be described as one of the biggest upsets in collegiate athletic history, Penn baseball lost its first fall scrimmage to Mr. Richard’s 4th-grade sluggers 13-4.
So you’ve been talking to a guy for a little bit, but you just can’t tell how boujee he really is. His name is Daniel...not Dan, Daniel in full. Good, nicknames are for the poor. You ask him what he did over the summer and he tells you he got a job at Lockheed Martin. Sexy. The CFO of Lockheed went to high school with his dad. Is his dad that well connected or is this his one friend in a high place?
In eight months I will graduate college with a degree in history. In my time here, I’ve learned that Adolf Hitler was a baaaad man, socialism=yes please, and that there’s a difference between a primary and secondary source.
In last Thursday’s Democratic debate, former Vice President Joe Biden assaulted the audience’s ears with a two-minute diatribe on everything from racial relations to how to raise your kids. The lesson: make sure the lil fellas listen to the record player so they can hear words.
So, you’re in the basement of VP relieving yourself thanks to Michael Zinman’s generous urinal donation. You just chugged an entire Hydro Flask, and your bladder is feeling it. Since you’re gonna be standing there a while, you pull out your phone and open up Snapchat when…
Joe Biden is hiding a dark secret. Behind his patented aviators, but top of his gaffe-full mind, the former Penn Presidential Professor of Practice’s eyes are riddled with pink eye. His penchant for covering his face with ray-bands that went out of style twenty years ago should’ve been a sign. Like Cyclops' eyes from the X-Men, Mr. Biden’s eyes were never meant to be seen by us.
Matt Carpenter (W ‘21) had tears in his eyes when he said goodbye to his parents and friends last week. He wasn’t sure he was ready for an entire semester alone in Europe hiking the foot trails of the Alps. But when the time came, Carpenter had to finally go.
Last Tuesday, College senior Tim Ganton walked into his ASTR 007 class with zero motivation to take notes. After all, he had just spent an exhausting summer working part-time from home for his uncle’s consulting firm and jerking off twice as much as usual.
College Junior Sam Washington had gone two whole years at Penn without shedding a single tear — a feat unheard of since Elon Musk went all four years at the school without crying or smiling.
In the best Penn-related news since the day we almost thought we weren’t a part of the admissions scandal, Penn has been ranked 15th place in the order of colleges listed when typing “University of Pennsylvania” into a dropdown list of American universities.
Last Monday, rising College junior Tommy Sandez arrived at his internship with the Supreme Court wearing the freshest streetwear.
After four semesters of flailing around like a fish out of water through intro level Spanish classes, I have finally diagnosed the root cause of my struggles: I don’t speak Spanish, I speak English.
Last Sunday, an assault occurred outside of Huntsman Hall on the corner of 38th and Walnut streets, according to a UPenn Alert.
Joe Biden is finally entering the race after completing three years of training as the Benjamin Franklin Presidential Practice Professor. Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.
Oh 2020 — the year of endless hindsight jokes, me becoming a 22-year-old intern, and an election that I’m sure will go our way this time.
People around here seem to think selling out to work in finance is the only way to make the big bucks. At least, that’s what those goofballs at Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley want you to think.
Penn tour guide Darnell Samuelson (C '21) was wrapping up his second tour of the day when he noticed something peculiar. There was a high-school aged boy in the back of tour who just had it all figured out.