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A week ago, Matt Vilsack (C ‘22) decided to live life in the fast lane. While writing his 12-page final paper for HIST 212, he did something so daring and ballsy that even the crew of Jackass would have to give him props.
In the 1980’s, Theta Tau Pi was on top of the world, winning countless beer pong championships and partying with the coolest (read: wealthiest) people at Penn. Yet two years ago, they were stuck in the middle—not bad enough to disband, but not good enough for anyone to show up to their parties.
It’s officially cuffing season and Student Health is here to make sure you keep your pecker in checker. How, you might ask? Through a Holiday themed health campaign, of course!
Rebecca Weinstein (E ‘21) was ready to take her talents to the south beaches of Andalucia, Spain. There was only one small hitch in her plans — she can’t speak Spanish for shit.
No way will my child play football — at least, not with those slow feet.
When infamous slumlord Cam Partments told College junior Greg Giacomo and his roommates that they couldn’t adopt a cat, they were devastated. Tired of playing second fiddle to his more clever roommate Jack Galanski, Greg quickly got to work hatching up a plan to thwart Cam Partment’s draconian rules. By sundown, his plan was ready to go.
Yo kid, that’s not a mouse under your refrigerator, that’s a goddamn elephant shrew, and you better take good care of it. Yeah yeah, you take six credits and run two clubs? Well this cuddly little critter eats its weight in food everyday. And you think you’re selective, only wanting to work at Goldman or J.P.? Well pat yourself on the fucking back, cause this guy only eats spiders and earthworms, so you better buy like 100 spiders—different kinds too, it’s picky.
Jack McMullins was ready to pull another all nighter in Van Pelt, with his third midterm of the week coming up. He didn’t expect to pull it in the 6th floor bathroom.
Johnny Lawson (C '21) takes a sip of gatorade. It’s the fourth quarter, he’s down eight points and it all comes down to this. His phone pings for the third time, but he can’t check now. Not in crunch time. He rips his bong and leads forward in his seat. NFL RedZone stud Scott Hanson announces they’re going to the triple box—three games, one screen, down eight. What will happen next?
As this frigid October continues to prove that global warming is a left-wing hoax, students have been donning their winter coats especially early this year. But one designer winter coat seems to stand out above the rest on campus.
I thought I had this one in the bag. James was the one. Our first date was going so well, so I thought why not take it to the next level and go to a food truck. The issue was on Sundays there’s only one kind of food truck desperate enough to remain open. Halal.
After nine months of getting his hopes up, Jeremy Bird (C ‘20) didn’t want to get fooled again. But this time it was really happening.
Last Friday night, students were alarmed to hear of a burglary at 40th and Walnut. While most of us locked ourselves in our bedrooms scared shitless until we received the “all clear” message from Penn security, one student faced the danger head on.
Professor Schumann’s Biology 101 students were only five minutes into their first midterm when disaster struck.
Gone are the days of neckties on your doorknob and drunk texts at 2:00 a.m. kindly asking your roommate to fuck off to their friend’s couch. Students are now able to conveniently schedule their hookups directly through LibCal.
Last night, Van Pelt Library was awarded its greatest honor to date. In a surprise announcement, head of the Transportation Security Administration David Shoosoff named Van Pelt the recipient of their prestigious “Keeping Americans Safe Award." “We at the TSA thought we had discovered every possible way to arbitrarily hinder travel from one destination to the next," Shoosoff said. "That’s our job. But one trip to the University of Pennsylvania’s famously-secure library changed all that." During a discreet visit to the library last weekend, Shoosoff marveled at the sight of dozens of students struggling to unzip their bags so that one pocket could hastily be checked for books or drugs or whatever. He called it “the greatest revolution in inconveniences since the USB-C.”