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OP-ED: My Costume Is Actually Really Funny, You Just Don’t Get the Reference

(10/31/19 2:00pm)

Hey! Yeah, happy Halloween to you too! Love your cat costume. It’s super cute that you’re a cat – I love cats! From your puzzled look, I can tell that you’re having a litttttle trouble figuring out my costume. It’s totally cool that you don’t get it – it’s a super obscure reference, from a show actually! 

Penn Museum to Rebrand Itself as 'Interesting'

(10/18/19 6:01pm)

In an article earlier this month, the Daily Pennsylvanian reported that the renowned Penn Museum was “rebrand[ing] itself as a ‘gift to the city’ after recent renovations.” Upon further investigation, UTB staff found that, along with its new "gift to the city" status, the Penn Museum is also to rebrand itself as “interesting,” and “worth the really far walk to it.” 

Sad: On Campus Rats Shocked to Learn OCR Isn’t About Them

(09/11/19 2:22pm)

In the past few weeks, Penn’s rat community has been flourishing. They were singlehandedly responsible for a brief closure of the Fresh Grocer, caused many a scare in various sorority dwellings, and have a whole new group of fresh meat to harass throughout the quad. Despite a few battles lost to booby traps, the fall of 2019 has been an epoch of tremendous rat success. 

Bubble Burst! Freshman Shocked to Learn That College Isn't Just Day Drinking and Interior Decoration

(09/07/19 6:47pm)

With one week of classes under her belt, College freshman Sophie Cordova is realizing college isn’t exactly what she thought it was. After five days of switching back and forth between amazon-priming the perfect array of throw pillows for her new twin XL bed and getting belligerently drunk while jumping up and down to Body by Luxury in the afternoon heat, reality started to creep in.