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Code not running? Frustrated and at wit’s end? Do not fret, my mild-mannered, STEM-minded individual — these seven spooky tips are sure to get your code up and running in no time.
it's you're mom
Erm… this is kinda awkward. Last Thursday, at about 7:00 p.m., I received a call from my sister on Messenger:
So, you’ve finally caved to peer pressure and downloaded BeReal. Now, what’s next? Is it finally time to show your true, genuine self to others? Of course not, silly! Leave that to the knuckle-dragging plebeians with boring, meaningless lives—you, my friend, have an image to uphold. When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are:
Hmm. This one is a real head-scratcher.
Science win! A new study found that shy, introverted boys at the University of Pennsylvania are twice as likely to mumble “yeah, wanna push me around, huh” to themselves while in the shower.
PREFACE
Depressing! Opinionated firebrand, well-known narcissist, and scrappy Under the Button writer Ian Ong (E ‘22) (no relation) appears to have done something kind of pathetic: he has totally become best buds with one of the imaginary strawman characters from his articles.
In the harsh, perpetually spinning hamster wheel that is our modern life, it is important for each and every one of us to remember to slow down and engage in self-help from time to time. Doing so can be life-changing; self-help is an intrinsically introspective process that will allow you to discover new things about yourself — new powers that you have yet to harness.
Amazing! A new discovery at the Pottruck Studying and Knowledge Center has left nerds across campus dumbfounded.
What?
They told us that em dashes were the ultimate salve. After all — you could use them in place of a comma. You could use them — in most cases — to tactfully offset a parenthetical remark. You could even use them to join two main clauses — to me, it really seemed like these little miraculous lines could do anything.
┬┴┬┴┤･ω･)ﾉ Rawr! get out of the wayyyy *tackleglomps u* (つ≧▽≦)つ uwu meow
Good morning, suckers! At long last, with that blonde woman out of the way, it’s finally my turn in the limelight! Oh, there’s going to be a lot of changes — a LOT — around here.
First of all, I’m not actually going to write 80 pages. Do you know how much that is? What, do you think I’m some sort of loser with nothing better to do all day than sit behind a computer screen and jack myself off in writing? In fact, the longer I sit here, grasping for words — stumped, so to speak — the more potently I regret taking this assignment.
I don’t know if you’ve heard of this or not, but last Friday I made a really funny face by placing my thumbs in my ears, sticking out my tongue, and waggling my fingers around. Aw geez, you just had to be there.
Screw you guys! In a response to declining viewership and ad revenue, last Tuesday the UTB board voted to scrap our satirical aspirations and instead focus on something facile and popular and that requires no goddamn effort at all: basic gardening tips. Oh yeah, you like that? Wanna click on our content now? I thought so, you accursed ankle-biters.
Here’s one for the moneyed folk! An internal report released on Monday indicated that 9 out of 10 writers for Under the Button lead cushioned lives of fame, luxury, and excess.
Thanks to the marvels of modern technology, here at Penn we have had the esteemed privilege to learn remotely. According to many, the greatest success of remote learning has been the introduction of asynchronous lectures, which has been said to have increased the amount of knowledge retained by students by twenty-fold. The freedom to choose when you want to watch each lecture gives students flexibility in their schedules and ensures they always keep up with course material in a timely fashion. There’s no doubt about it: all lectures must immediately switch to an asynchronous format in order to maximize our overall productivity and bolster our mental well-being.
Hi I’m Josh I’m Harrison I’m Julia Call me Stacy It’s Gloria The name’s Justin!