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Op-Ed: I Write for UTB, Now Give Me Twitter Clout

(07/08/21 3:05pm)

Hey, it’s me, @jacksonjabbers from Twitter. I noticed you aren’t retweeting me yet. I write for Under the Button, which makes me funny, but in a casual Twitter way, and not in an overbearing way. As a part of the Penn Twitter community, I believe it is my right as an  Under the Button writer to receive praise for my “great Twitter,” where I tweet things like “I have to be the sexiest girl in 1920 commons” or “time to engage with lip gloss discourse.” Since I’m gay, I also get to tweet about poppers and Mitski as a bonus. 

The United States of Under the Button Declares Independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian

(07/03/21 9:45pm)

Hear ye, hear ye! The time has come for the United States of Under the Button to declare independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian. Too long have we been taxed without representation. Too long has Great Daily Pennsylvanian forced us to remove our teeth and replace them with rotting wooden teeth. Too long have we been forced to wear horse costumes while DP editors in colonial garb flog us for galloping too slowly. 

Ad: 8 Ways to Exercise Your Freedoms this 4th of July, Brought to You by HBO Max

(07/03/21 9:06pm)

Whether it's barbecuing, swimming at the beach, or just throwing a frisbee around with Pop-Pop, the Fourth of July is a great holiday to spend with friends and family. However, it's essential to remember that this holiday is brought to us by the men and women who bravely fought to protect our country. Here are 8 Ways to exercise your freedoms this 4th, brought to you by HBO Max.

Penn Institutes Footloose Rules to Prevent Covid-19 Outbreak in the Fall

(06/01/21 3:28pm)

Penn announced this week that they will be adding restrictions to the Campus Compact in anticipation of the fall semester. After Amy Gutmann's recent viewing of Footloose (1984), where she sympathized with the strong town leader, Reverend Shaw Moore, and her subsequent conversion to Christianity, she updated the Compact to reflect the rules upheld in Elmore City: no dancing and absolutely no rock-and-roll music.

Penn Glee Club Integrates With Penn Sirens, Dhamaka, TEP, Penn Polish Club, the Netter Center, Gregory College House, Locust Protesters, Penn Catholic Newman Community, Allied Universal Workers, Linguistics Majors, and Your Mom

(06/07/21 6:28pm)

After 159 years of remaining an all-male performing group, the Penn Glee Club made history this year by finally integrating women and dancers and the frat brothers that sell you weed and Poles and do-gooders and freshmen that got fucked over in housing selection and God-fearers and more God-fearers and the people that are most likely to have weapons on campus and soon-to-be unemployed students and fat skanks into their historically TTBB choir.